I haven't written much lately.
Not simply because I'm busy, although I am. But more because these past weeks have chaffed my nerves raw, and suddenly I shrink from myself. This stranger who flaunts foul language, explodes under anger, and fights a losing battle against pride? Who points a stern finger at others while following the same faded chalked line? Is this me? Is this who I've become?
I've learned that I profess one thing but live another. That I nail up this facade of godliness, but yet I stumble into the same bottomless pit night after night and my heavy mascara and eyeliner tear away in the penetrating wind and really inside I'm such a broken mess of promises and mistakes pieced together. Oh, I am so blinded.
Because how can I write about godliness and holiness while I fall myself? Truth is, I'm no better off than you. I struggle with the same problems, the same temptations, the same pride and anger and rebellion issues. I'm just another human being, fighting the same battles, running the same race. Trying. But falling just the same.
Christians aren't hypocrites. They, we are everyday people trying to live for God, trying to glorify Him and do what's right and please Him in every minuscule chore or assignment or achievement in life, but oh good Lord above, we fail so many times. We try, but we are so broken. Oh God knows I've tried to obey Him and do what's right, but sometimes in times of weakness in stress or anger, the real me erupts into fiery inferno. Words and feelings and emotions that I never knew existed or tried to forget when devotion time rolled around suddenly explodes. Even when others cannot see the blistering magma raging within my soul, God knows. He sees. And He agonizes over my rebellious heart.
Oh God, deliver us from the evil frothing within ourselves.
Sometimes I'm so terrified of myself and what I'm capable of thinking, of saying, of doing. I cannot downgrade into the person I was saved from. I cannot withdraw from the love of Christ and reject my Lord's perfect suffering on the cross or His tomb gaping open victoriously with the hope of all eternity and release from all sin. How can I leave all this, all this beauty and hope and triumph and exchange it for a life of sin, self-love, and empty fulfillment? Yet sometimes I wander so far from the One who alone is worth loving. And sometimes I'm terrified that I'll leave and run far, far away from my Heavenly Father and break His heart and abandon mine to the chains of this world that threaten to bind me ever near.
Oh Lord, don't let me fall. Don't ever let me go. Don't abandon me to my own selfish heart or leave me to the sin that so entices me away from Your path. Bind me to Yourself.
I've done things that I'm not proud of ever doing or saying or thinking. But this life...when was it ever about being perfect? In fact, Christianity bluntly warns us that we will sin. Even as His adopted children with the Holy Spirit living within us, we will fall and stumble and commit the most horrendous crimes against Christ's holy name. It's not a matter of if. It's a matter of when.
But that's the glorious message of Christianity. When we can't, Christ can. When we stumble in our brokenness, when we plummet into the same traps as our friends before us, when we blaspheme and rebel and stagger in weakness, God is more than able to lift us from our helpless shards and wipe the blood from our scraped knees. He is both able and willing to bandage and redress our wounds, forgive us once again, and provide the strength to journey on.
We will fall. We will stumble. And that's the way it is. We're human, incapable of moral perfection with hearts still learning to yearn for Christ's holiness and walk in the manner of which we have been called. Living works-in-progress.
Our sin just points to the cross. Our hypocrisy, when we try but fail but rise to try and fall again, this all just reminds us of our need for Christ. We cannot hope to succeed without Christ. This life would just become a meaningless sequence of bruises and cuts and scrapes and an endless, winding road with no chance of victory. Yet we as believers can triumph in the One who conquered all sin and death forever. And in eternity, finally, we will be rid of this struggle. Sin will be conquered within us once and for all, and completely, wholly, Christ will reign within us. We will be forever freed from the grasp of sin and released from the everyday battle with the monsters within us, the constant grind that weighs us down today.
Oh Lord, hasten that day. Hasten that day when we will finally be without any semblance of sin and all will be well and I will finally overcome all darkness within me through the saving grace of Your blood. I look forward to that day when all battles will cease and I will finally be rid of this sin-struggle for eternity. Yet here on this day, on this desolate and tempting planet so devoid of anything worth adopting unto myself, be with me. You know that I try, but I fail so many times. I am human, weak, in need of You and Your mercy and forgiveness and strength. Will You reign through me? Will You empower me to live for You and You alone? Put a hedge around me, so that in each waking moment, my efforts to glorify You will not be in vain.
