I'm a junior.
And some days I struggle with my identity.
There are days when I roll out of bed, and I wonder if I am worth more than what I do, what I wear, what people think of me.
Because life is crazy hectic between school and karate and driving places and learning things and getting decent grades and checkmarks in speech and debate. Crammed full of taking and prepping for all those three letter tests. And suddenly, everyone has figured out colleges and careers and majors, while balancing relationships and a healthy social life on the side.
Am I worth more than a good SAT score?
Am I still worth something if I'm not dating a guy, if I don't know what college I want to go to, if I can't keep up a 4.0 GPA?
It's so difficult. When there's pressure from all areas of life to conform and be popular and wear the right things and listen to the right music and get asked out by guys. Years have passed, and it's still the same basic struggle. The battle to not fall back into depression or a low self-image, but to wake up and live without always feeling horrible about myself. The desperate fight to find my worth and value and identity, not because of who I am or what I can do or what other people think of me, but as a daughter of the King who sent His Son down to earth to redeem this broken heart, so I now have worth and value and identity because I am cloaked in His love and grace and strength and peace.
I know all this by heart now. I've said these same things to myself for ages, as long as I can remember. Yet, truly believing these things with heart and soul and mind doesn't come easily.
Lord, help my unbelief.
I turn to Isaiah 43 and its words wash over me, overwhelm me, comfort me.
"But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
4 Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.
5 Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
and from the west I will gather you.
6 I will say to the north, Give up,
and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the end of the earth,
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”
I am precious and honored and loved and cherished by the Creator of the universe. Nothing, no one can remove me from the unfailing, constant, irreplaceable love of God.
I bear His name, and through the turbulence of life, I do not walk alone.
I wish I could say reading Isaiah 43 entirely replaced my doubt and insecurity with trust in God. But in all honesty, I can't. I'm just a sinner trying to renew my mind with the truth of God's Word, and it really is a constant, daily struggle, and sometimes I do feel discouraged and not worth much. However, I'm just so grateful that we have a God who is patient with us in our stubbornness, who works through our unbelief that we might truly see and know and understand His amazing love for us. That in everything, through all of life's ups and downs, He loves me, forever and always. We serve an amazing God.
{Safety is found only in His sovereignty, security in His love, and satisfaction in His presence.}
May I find my security in Him.
