When You're Dead Tired of This Mess

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

("Worn" - Tenth Avenue North)

Some days erode me. Rub down my edges until I am nothing but a round pebble, unable to cut myself free from life's tangled mess that threatens to strangle all this blessed life from my lungs. 

I cannot breathe. 

All this sin. All this death. All these tears. 

Oh, God, I am so very tired. I am so tired of heaving myself out of bed each morning, of grappling these spiritual battles, of wrestling the Mr. Hyde in me. I am tired of facing the altar and permitting Your Holy Spirit to cut my heart open once again to unveil the darkness inside. Open heart surgery hurts. This purging of sin hurts. And attempting to live for You and Your glory by shouldering this leaden cross hurts. 

And oh, God, I am so tired of seeing this mess in the world of fighting and murders and catastrophes. I am so tired of seeing criminals day after day who sense no shame at committing the indescribable. I am so tired of seeing people die in their guilt-soaked selves while they raise their fists and curse God without even meeting the God they curse.

Oh, God, this world is broken. And I am tired of trying to heal it all by myself.

I flip open the Bible to John 14, the passage I always turn to for comfort when I cannot stand any longer. 

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

This life is not for forever. This mess of violence and heartache will not last for eternity. This removal of sin and continual purification will end. I have a predetermined place in heaven. A one-way ticket to live with my blessed, blessed Savior. I will never have to leave Him. Oh, to be with the One who loves me so unconditionally for infinity! And Christ is preparing heaven for me, perfecting it for my arrival. Christ is coming to take me to be with Him forever and ever, to live with my God and my King who died for this broken heart of mine. And there will be no more tears, no more death, no more pain. And He will reign victorious, and I will be part of His glorious reign. Hallelujah.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it."

Christ promises to accomplish His work through me, to use this broken soul for His glorious, triumphant plan, to do magnificent works in the lives of others like Christ Himself. Who am I to be part of His ministry? That I have been integrated into His will? Oh, God, I am undeserving. You are too good to me. And all I desire is to be part of Your plan. To be able to bring You glory because that is the utmost of man. To bring You as much glory as we possibly can because You are so deserving of all the praise and honor in this world. 

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him. These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you."

The Holy Spirit dwells in me. God Himself dwells in me. Wow. I am not alone, for God Himself, the Creator of heaven and earth, the Savior of the world, and the Sustainer of the universe lives in this broken clay vessel. Who is man that you are mindful of him or the son of man that you care for him? You are too good to me. And the world cannot understand. They continue to relish injustice and sin because they do not know there's something better out there. They cannot understand the workings of the Holy One. One day, I will live with Him, away from the sinfulness of the world. And if I love God, if I surrender to my blessed Redeemer, God the Father and God the Son promise to love me. They promise to show their glory to this sinful soul. And I cannot help but feel incredibly loved. That the God of the universe would look down and love and care for this vile sinner down on earth. Thank You, Jesus. 

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe. I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father."

I don't need to worry about or fear this brokenness of a world. Jesus provides me with His peace because He is stronger than the prince of the world or any of his minions, and His justice will ultimately rule. His Word stands true, for Christ ascended to heaven to claim victory over death and now rules in His divine kingdom, awaiting the time when we can arise and live with Him forever.

I can breathe again. And I breathe. I cannot contain the smile any longer, and I smile. God's promises are beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful! I shout to the world. Look at how amazing my God is! Look at how He can redeem even a broken sinner like me and inject life into my limp veins until I can fairly implode with His glory! And I can live! I can live because I have a God who lives in me and I can spend eternity with Him forever. And I rise from my bruised knees and I stand with hands lifted high.

How great is our God. 

Why God Does Not Endorse Capital Punishment: An Informal Essay From a Christian's Perspective

I could be wrong.

Yes, I am conservative.

Feel free to disagree. 

-

From the very beginning, God has always been a God of second chances, accepting adulterous murderers, outright rebellious liars, and frenzied religious fanatics into His glorious kingdom. Adopting the most atrocious sinners as sons and daughters, He transformed them into men and women after His own heart. And a few thousand years later, who are we to argue that He cannot do the same with our lifers, our drug addicts, our serial killers, our rapists? Who are we to deny them an opportunity to comprehend the glorious goodness of our Father who art in heaven?

Cain should have died. Although he himself intentionally chose to present an inferior offering before the Lord, he became intensely jealous over the Lord's favor on his brother. Plotting a scheme like never before, he assassinated Abel in the fields one day, thus committing the first human blood-shed on earth. 

David should have died. He spent hours on the roof observing his neighbor's lovely wife in all her nuptial purity. The king of Israel and Judah, a king commissioned by God above to lead his country in virtue, purposely ordered his neighbor Uriah to the front lines, so that he might be slaughtered in the heat of battle, his red blood soaking into the dust as the roar of battle echoed through the hills. Meanwhile, David ruthlessly violated Uriah's beautiful wife.

Paul should have died. He relished the stoning of the early believers, clutching the coats of those who raised up stones to kill, so their precious coats wouldn't become soiled by earth. When their hands were already dripping with human blood. Cheering on their bloodthirsty work in the name of the Law wasn't enough for him. Instead, Paul hungered for Christian extermination and journeyed to distant lands to seek more persecution, more skull-splintering work. 

According to the Old Testament law, they should have died. But they didn't. God had better plans for them in mind, plans for David and Paul that involved redeemed hearts and redeemed lives. Doesn't he have plans for us too? For those among us who commit the worst of crimes? And if God Himself chose to pardon these lives, why should the government deviate from His example?

I am not arguing again punishment itself. I do not believe in passivity and agree that sins and crimes should require penalties for the violation of the rights of another. However, ultimately, vengeance is God's, not man's. God will ultimately carry out justice for eternity in each of our lives. While that does not diminish the role of the government, man should then have a correct perspective of judicial authority, knowing that whatever justice is decided, ultimately God's justice will endure forever. 

Also, I believe the right of intentionally taking a life belongs to our Creator Himself. All life is designed and purposed by our Heavenly Father, and who are we, mere human beings, to decide who to kill? Many believers have quoted verses like Romans 13:4, which states, "But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer." Yes, we should carry out God's wrath as best we can here on earth, but we should never be so presumptuous to determine which lives to destroy. 

Others use arguments relating to death sentences for murder in the Old Testament. Sins like homosexuality, lying, thievery, and murder itself used to have strict punishments, including death. Cursing one's parents could result in stoning. However, these penalties no longer apply today because of Christ's death, which replaced the old Law with the New. Of course, the principle still exists. The sin itself remains wrong and should be recognized as wrong. While the New Law does not justify murder, it does however nullify the punishment of death. 

Furthermore, numerous murderers or serial killers have repented and accepted Christ while serving time in prison. These men and women often live out as Christ's witnesses in the prisons themselves, converting many for His glory by their incredible testimony. When we seize justice in our own hands, it frequently becomes twisted. Who are we to decide when to take a life, a life who might have the chance to experience Christ's amazing love and spread His goodness to innumerable others? If banning capital punishment redeems one soul from the pit of eternal hell, wouldn't it be worth it? 

But in all honesty, I don't think arguing for or against capital punishment is the right solution. Rather, recognizing our own need of Christ and His goodness in our lives may solidify our decision. In John 8, Jesus forgave an adulteress. In those days, the Law required death, but instead, Jesus chose to forgive. I can picture her standing there. Humiliated. Frightened. Worst day of her life, and ready to be stoned. And suddenly, the Man of God stands and unties her spiritual chains and she is forgiven and free. Christ does not condone her sin, but rather he offers a better way out of it. A second chance. As sinful, blemished men, should we so readily condemn another one of us? Should we be the ones to pick up the first stone and point fingers, rather than readily offer Christ's free gift of a transfigured life? Only one without sin or blemish can condemn sin, and that One chose to forgive instead.

God is a God of justice. As a holy God of righteousness, He will deal out vengeance at the proper time. God is also a God of forgiveness. A God of second chances, of repentance, of mercy. He is a God of patience, waiting for those He has preordained to fall on their knees and acknowledge His goodness.

We are imitators of God. 

I Met a Millionaire Today

I met a millionaire today.

A broken-hearted, scarred millionaire.

With family just dead, an abusive childhood, and alcohol fresh on her breath, she reeled at us. One second accusing us, finger out and pointing. Another second down on her knees, weeping, crying out to our Savior in heaven above for grace. 

And we were just three kids. Three kids with pamphlets, desiring to tell the world about Christ and His goodness. We were stunned. 

I can still feel her hand trembling in mine as she poured out her soul to Christ above, and I doubt that God can refuse such a prayer. 

Yet all I can do is hope. Hope we made a difference. Hope that that one millionaire, that one lady in a sea of thirsty people knows Christ. Because she really needs Him. Even her designer sunglasses or fancy Coach purse couldn't disguise the fact that here was someone broken. Someone in desperate need of Christ and His love and grace and mercy. 

I sit here and weep. I weep for her. I weep with her. I weep on behalf of her. Would you weep with me? 

Oh Christ, would you please have mercy? I don't even know her name, yet I saw the most broken part of her today. Would You be with her and show her Yourself? Provide her Your grace and strength and comfort. Enable her to live for You. And if she doesn't know you, if her prayer was in vain today, Lord, would you just open to her eyes? Show her Yourself. Be ever with her. Your will be done.

So that was my adventure story today. My first time meeting someone with so much money but with so much pain. 

Lord, I am so glad that You gave us the opportunity to meet this precious woman. What a beautiful gift. Let me never forget.

Living Life to the Fullest (3-Point Series) - #3 Unconditional Surrender

(Please read the two preceding posts before proceeding at your own risk. Because this post could possibly alter you as it altered me during this writing process. . .)

3. Surrender. Relinquishing one’s self entirely into another’s will.

Because this life is not my own. It’s Christ’s.

And when I fully grasp that concept of unconditional and immediate surrender, my life can truly be the life God desires.

Yesterday when I insisted so crazy hard to prove that one point about bees’ nonexistent saliva. Or when I swore in all acrimony after stubbing my toe. Or when I grumbled about dinner. Was I Christ?

And I struggle to comprehend this identity of mine. That whatever I do, whatever I say represents Christ. That I cannot possibly live to satisfy self because this life is a gift. A gift from God ruling sovereign in heaven above that cannot be abused for my own selfish pleasure.

How often I forget this.

I form my own decisions for my own self-serving, self-seeking motives. And how often I forget to surrender each day to God and ask Him before creating my own personal agenda.

In Christ, we are new creations. The old has gone, the new has come. We need to live like it. But I struggle with doing what’s right. So often my own will dominates…

My thoughts. The most unholy part of me. Full of anger and hate and irrational emotions. Full of unspoken cuss words. So crammed full of passion, whether anger, love, or fear. And when I fully examine the thoughts that run through my brain, line after line, I either fall in demonic love with my depravity or utterly despise myself. What a wretched sinner I am.

My words. The hate-full speech ranting against people and their Creator. Complaints when all I deserve is eternal judgment and fire and brimstone and hell. The few uttered letters can form so much heartache for another but they just burst from nowhere and tear cardiac muscle apart from muscle and I can see tears welling up but my heart feels a vicious pleasure in tearing soul apart.

The entertainment I spend my time on. Books, movies, music. And I gaze at lyrics, and my heart tears up inside, because I know God is not pleased. Because I feel suddenly mortified that I have made this life my own instead of Christ’s. He died for me. He died to purchase this disintegrated life of mine for His glory. Not so I can waste it on trash. Or the simple activities that I enjoy suddenly become idols, encompassing God’s incredible glory in my heart. Such worthless things of themselves. How do I allow them to take the place of the Almighty Lord and Savior?

Oh Lord, forgive me.

And each day, I have to force myself back onto that altar. Force myself to hold the icy razor knife blade against my chest and the desires that swarm inside of me, threatening to once again gain control. Force myself to shoulder that heavy splintered cross of self-denial.

And it’s hard. Everything in me shrieks to flee, to turn away, to deny Christ for the sake of self. My sin seems so enticing. I want to give in, to yield to my animalistic side, to scream, to fight, to utterly demolish anything or anyone that stands in the way of my desires.

But. I can’t. I know I can’t. And this is the struggle of all believers who now know the Truth but cannot find the strength to obey it.

But Christ provides the strength and grace to lift that leaden cross onto our bruised shoulders. He enables our weak knees to trudge one step after the other and live one second at a time for Him. True, we stumble. True, we fall in all our brokenness. But in true compassion and love, Christ lifts us in His arms and carries us when we do not have the fortitude in ourselves to carry on.

And it is in that crucial moment when we ourselves cannot retrieve the strength in ourselves to surrender to Christ that we have to run to Him. We need Him to allow us to surrender because we cannot drop that gun by ourselves. Only His grace can cause the white flag inside our hearts to rise. Only His grace can save us and make our lives truly fulfilled.

And when we truly grasp the concept of surrender, we can more fully pray and give thanks. When we realize that this life does not belong to us but has been bought by Christ’s righteousness, our lives will change. The way we live will change, because it is no longer us living, but Christ living through us.

Surrender.

It’s a difficult concept, but once grasped, our lives will truly change. Then, we will indeed live the way God intended us to live.

Living Life to the Fullest (3-Point Series) - #2 Reading Cross-Culturally

(Read my previous post. It should give you a springboard to start this next lap on.)

1. Eucharisteo. Greek. To be thankful. To feel thankful. To give thanks.

Now. In order for eucharisteo to manifest itself in our lives, we need this next point. Ready? Let’s move on.

2. Read cross-culturally. Absorb missionary biographies. Autobiographies. Stories about the Lost Boys from Sudan. Stories about remote tribes in the middle of Thailand or Papua New Guinea or the jungles in Brazil. Stories about the street children starving and hurting in South America or the Philippines. True stories. And we need these testimonies to truly live.

Really.

I am a living witness of how they transformed and broadened my view of self and world.

Sometimes I become totally absorbed in narratives of child refugees trekking in Sudan without water, who cannot even cry tears because there is no moisture left in them, who gulp down urine because they are so incredibly desperate. And I stare at the glass of water millimeters away, and I cry. Because even a few drops of one of the most common chemical compounds in America can mean the difference between life or death, and how often we accept that simple gift without an ounce of gratitude in our withered bones.

Or I read about the natives in Thailand who think Americans are cannibals because of the man on the Quaker Oats box and the Gerber baby on baby food. They gasp at hot dogs and ketchup, which they mistake for fingers and blood. And laughter bubbles up from deep inside of me. I’ll never see those foods the same way again.

Or anecdotes about the street children in Brazil who sniff glue to get high. Who steal and rob and rape and murder babies. One child in a missionary autobiography didn’t even know any girls who hadn’t resorted to prostitution for survival. And their parents just abandon them, from innocent babies to toddlers to teens, shoving them out from their life to compete for survival in the streets. True stories of how child gangs abuse girls. About children who snatch dinner knives to stab others who steal their food. About street children who cannot cope with the idea that the missionaries don’t want to take advantage of them. And these children grow up believing that this is life, there is no alternative, and this is the normal way to live. And I stare at their faces in the books and I can’t breathe.

And you read of stories like this, and how can your heart not fracture deep down inside? Many times tears somehow come to create blotches on my books because of the tragedy in the world, and I need to do something to combat this injustice like the missionaries are doing, and because this pain is real. Of course, we all know there are things like this occurring around the globe, but reading a firsthand account really opens your eyes. These people suddenly become real and personal and relatable.

Now when I live, when I glance at water or hot dogs, or when I roll over in my nice comfy bed, I can see those blessings as they truly are. And I can contemplate people who remain less fortunate than I am, who covet my prayers. So I pray. Hard.

And thus our prayers can have meaning. When we truly grasp the extent of poverty around the world and that our prayers can indeed impact and change lives that need change, then we will pray. We will perceive a burden to approach the throne of God above and petition for these people who truly need prayer.

And all this enriches our eucharisteo. Our giving thanks.

When we truly notice and inspect and relate to every single miniscule blessing, then can we be thankful.

And not only thankful, but genuinely thankful. When we don’t know, when we don’t see the extent of what we have, then that gratefulness remains limited.

Reading true stories of those hurting around the world opens your eyes and your heart. It allows us to stare past the text messages and Facebook profile pictures. And not only does it allow us to see, it allows us to give thanks and pray wholeheartedly. And when we give thanks and pray on behalf of others, then can we truly live.

Living Life to the Fullest (3-Point Series) - #1 Eucharisteo

Summer.

For us kids, it’s equivalent to sleep, food, and electronics. To parents, the word acquires a whole new meaning for their teenagers. “Summer” is supposed to represent cramming for the PPSAT months ahead, spending traumatic hours at the steering wheel, and scrutinizing books like “How to Study Like a Smart Student”. At least for my parents. Maybe it’s an Asian thing? Anyway.

For me, summer compared to the average school year is almost like total, absolute freedom versus a concentration camp. Slightly exaggerated, okay, but the free time allowance is basically all of 3 months or otherwise 92 days, 2,208 hours, 132,480 minutes, or 7,948,800 seconds. And what do you do? What do you do when someone hands you almost all 8 million seconds?

Like beforehand, I drafted this entire list. This summer, I want to do this. And this. And this. And when summer actually plops its luggage down before my front door, I sprawl on the couch and play Candy Crush Saga. Hey, it’s finger exercise and hand-eye coordination at the same time. Don’t judge.

But in all seriousness, what is this? How do I actually dare myself to live and come breathe again and truly savor life? How do I actually begin to see each second’s potential?

So I came up with three ways of living this summer and this life we have on earth to the fullest. Using each second for the utmost. The first point. Deep breath. Here we go.

1. Eucharisteo. Greek. To be thankful. To feel thankful. To give thanks.

Not only for the gigantic, undeserved blessings like Jesus, church, family, food, health. But for the miniscule details that so often become overlooked. Finding a bird’s feather lining in the yard. The slip of hot tea down a sore throat. Complements. Achy muscles. The sunlight’s energy visibly bouncing off the leaves. Dry grass crunching under my yard shoes. It’s the little things that matter. The 1000 things.

After all, practicing eucharisteo for the little things enables us to give thanks for the big things.

Recently I picked up the book 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Pretty incredible. Not the easiest read, but it’s beautiful. Ann writes about how eucharisteo can cause appreciation in each moment, allowing us to see even the tiniest blessings. And it truly opened my eyes to the hidden God-given gifts floating through time and space, encompassing each blessing-wreathed moment in time.

After actively searching for His blessings in disguise, our eyes can become trained to seek His goodness.

I just started my 1000 list. Slowly commemorating the God-gifts from each day, until I have a thousand all lined up down the page. Every day I take two minutes to jot down a couple gifts. And they’re simple things really. Tylenol. Laughter. Sunshine. Feeling the pages flip through your fingers. Simple, simple pleasures. But all of a sudden, they just pop out at you in random corners through the everyday dullness, and each moment truly becomes alive.

When you finally perceive His goodness and His beauty and His gifts in each brief second, then are you truly alive.

Too often we stumble through this life as perpetual corpses, dead to God’s gifts and His goodness and His beauty.

Thanksgiving allows us to truly live, to see God in each second. In this summer. In this year. In this life.

So I encourage you to start a list. Start counting the little things. It will make a difference.