Hi.
Allow me to cut the formal
salutations and get right down to dirt and grime and business. Because this is
what this blog is all about. Taking off
our unrealistically perfect masks and revealing our true emptiness because we
are nothing of ourselves without Christ’s holiness. And I want this blog to
be a friendly place without judgment or criticism because all of us stand
equally guilty before God and are only here today because of Christ. So let me
unscrew this jar of jelly and begin by telling you who I truly am and what this
blog is doing floating out in the realm of technology.
First off, I am a born-again
Christian with enormous dreams and irrational expectations. Irrational as how
pi can never fully end because the string of numbers floats off into infinity
and no human can comprehend infiniteness, and neither is it any easier for me
to perceive reality. When I was four, I accepted Christ with my mom but did not
truly grasp what Christianity meant. I understood that Jesus had sacrificed
Himself as a perfect, aromatic offering of ripped flesh and wasted body to God
in order to rescue me from an eternal, living hell of existence without God. Later,
He had victoriously risen from the dead, conquering the grave and providing a
forever, never-ending, never-dying life with Him in heaven for all who accept that
lavish gift. Belief wasn’t the issue here. I just couldn’t mentally visualize
the concept of surrendering my life to His will and living each day for His
glory. Five years later, I started to doubt my salvation, especially when I
sinned miserably. I felt shattered under ever present, crushing weight of sin
like Atlas stumbling under the leaden burden of the world. A particular sin
overcame me again and again, and waves of guilt caused me to choke on my own
weakness. But then, I gradually realized that Christians still sin. We aren’t
perfect people and we will always fail. But
we are not satisfied with failing. We can look to God for forgiveness and
realize that although we may trip and tumble down the steep stairs of life, we
have a God mightier than our broken selves and that He still loves us despite
how we fall time after time again.
I still struggle with my
sin. I am far from perfect. My sin still affects me in innumerous areas, like
when I squint into the mirror in the morning and feel amazed that I’m still
alive. I never feel good enough, which often triggers a self-indulgent
depression. I always feel like I’m a failure and seek good grades and
achievements to boost my self-esteem, as if trophies and high grades can eliminate
my mistakes like bleach removes stains. Because I fail so much
spiritually, I want to atone for my mistakes by having a palpable worth to
demonstrate that I am a good person, when really I’m not. When really, I am a
chaotic, jumbled mess, and I constantly discover that trying to be good enough
only reveals the emptiness inside.
But even though I cannot fathom why, God loves me, and that makes me worth
something. That alone fills the cross-shaped hole in my heart.
I have a Savior who covers up my imperfection with
His perfection.
He loves me, even though I
sin and fail Him day after day after day. I am viewed as perfect before God because of His Son’s goodness and love and mercy. And that’s all that matters.
I don’t have to be good enough because Jesus has been
my good enough.
So this is my blog. A blog
where I can come to terms with who I am and collapse on my knees because I am
unable and undeserving, and only Jesus
can redeem us from our fallen selves.
This is my story. A story of
brokenness and tears and sin so bleak it shames me to remember the past. But
this is also a story of how Light erupted through the blind darkness and provided
dazzling, gloriously real hope. This is a story of Jesus and how we can discover
joy in the night and whisper praises when there seems to be nothing to give
thanks for because we have a God who will
never abandon or forsake us or stop loving us, and even though some days we
don’t feel like living, He supplies the strength to carry on.
This is my heart. This is my
true self where I can reveal my mistakes and no longer pretend to be a perfect
angel because I’m not. Because I am nothing without Christ’s perfection. Without
Him, I am only a girl, one more person in the 7 billion faces wandering through
this temporary world, endeavoring to find rest, when in reality, there is no
rest on this desolate world. The only rest we can obtain is extraterrestrial.
This is my signpost. I want my life and this blog to be a huge blinking
arrow pointing to the One who deserves all praise and glory. I am alive today
only by His goodness and His grace and His ever-present hand
directing my life. Please realize that I myself am a work-in-progress and fail
many, many times. I’m sorry if my writing can seem overly prideful or emotional
sometimes. But I am so incredibly thankful that I have a Master Carpenter, who continues
to remodel and superglue together this shattered heart of mine, molding me into
His likeness everyday, and that makes each day worth living.
To know that we are worth
something because of the Savior holding our worthlessness together and who is
shaping us into perfection. To know that we don’t have to try to achieve
perfection because God sees us as perfect already.
I truly can’t imagine how He
could grant us a sweeter gift than this beautiful, glorious self-identity in
Him.
Lord, thank You.
This is wonderful Amanda! Looking forward to reading more posts like this! :P
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this, Amanda! It's really encouraging and thought-provoking (:
ReplyDeleteThanks! Both of you are awesome bloggers as well. Glad you liked it.
ReplyDelete