When 490 Seems Too Big

70 times 7. 

1. 

And I stare at that number one. I stare, until that single digit is tattooed onto my brain. I stare, hoping if I stare enough and grasp the simplicity of the digit, forgiveness will become easier in the process, and my bitter heart will be able to open up and truly love those I despise. 

But some days, forgiving even once seems impossible. For when there is so much anger and hurt and bitterness, how can I simply embrace someone who caused me so much pain and regret? How can I forgive mistakes and inconsiderations and words?

Lord, how can I forgive? 

How can I forgive the simplest of mistakes, the slightest of inconsiderations, the shortest of words? And if I cannot even forgive the little things, how can I pardon the big things? The thick scars upon my heart that prevent me from forgiveness. The words said to me that I've never shared with anyone, words that still cause tears, and with them, anger. 

Yet, in my bitterness, I cannot justify myself entirely. I think upon the words I've said, the deeds I've done. Those words are inscribed upon my heart too, words that hurt many and still bring me the deepest shame. My actions fall short also, actions full of insensitivity and blunt cruelty. 

My finger strokes the surface of my heart and comes away grimy. 

But in this depressing pit of anger and hatred, my thoughts move beyond me to Christ. He never wronged anyone, yet the world wronged Him. And though we acted towards Him in hostility, bitterness, and hatred, He dealt with us in unconditional love, leading ultimately to His death on the cross. Despite the pain we caused Him, Christ died for us. And because Christ died for us, so we must also forgive, for the entirety of our debt has been paid in full. 

So 490. A huge number. 

But say we've sinned 10 times a day. 
10 times 365 times about 17 years. 
That equals 62,050.
I've sinned a minimum of 62,050 times in my lifetime. 

If Christ has forgiven me more than sixty-thousand times, how can I withhold my forgiveness from anyone? How can we demand pennies from our neighbors when Christ has cancelled our trillion dollar debt? How can we stand in hypocrisy, condemning those who inflict our hearts with paper cuts, while we ourselves crucified our Savior on the cross of our sin?

I am utterly self-righteous.

Christ's example puts me to shame when I examine the bitterness of my heart, as I see how willingly and sacrificially He loved His enemies. Enemies who deserved eternal judgement and everlasting death and His righteous hatred but yet received agape love, adoption into the kingdom, and spiritual regeneration.

Forgiveness is a battle for me. It's hard to disregard the scars upon my heart and welcome those who hurt me with open arms. It's hard to show them Christ's love. And some days, it's a continual process of a renewed hatred remolded into love. But it's a process of sanctification, where our hearts are continually fashioned to become more like our Savior.

Lord, teach me forgiveness. Reveal to me the extent of my sin and the enormity of Your love. Let my self-righteousness wither away at the sight of Your grace and mercy. It is hard to forgive. It is hard to love, Lord. But when I finally come to terms with what You've done for me, forgiving once seems a little less impossible. I recognize that I cannot forgive on my own, but it's because of You that I can love and forgive others. Give me a heart of love and compassion, that I may love others as You love them, unselfishly, unconditionally. I am weak, and often I fail. But You are strong and You delight in using those who are weak. So use me as a channel of love and grace, even to my enemies. I thank You for You are an awesome God, who has forgiven us beyond reason. May You would enlarge my heart to the same proportions as Yours.