Living with Unclenched Fists: For the Times When God Says "No"

Somewhere in the supernatural realm of the universe, I believe that there are threads, colorful strands of fabric connecting time and space and events, intertwining, interwoven into a beautiful tapestry called God's story. And what an amazing story it is. A story of redemption, salvation, adoption. A story where even the darkest, blackest places on the tapestry come together into something dazzling and breathtaking. 

Yet sometimes, it's hard to see that story. It's easy to fight the dark strands in our own lives, isn't it? To push away the hands of our Creator and struggle to weave the tapestry on our own. Sometimes we mistakenly believe that we can create the best ending for our own story after all. So we snatch away pen and paper and scribble away, determined to transform our lives into a fairytale of glitter and gold. 

For the last six months of my life, I heard God telling me "no". Sometimes in the brokenness of humanity, relationships and people just aren't able to fit together. Like two obstinate puzzle pieces, no matter how hard we may try to force those pieces together, they will never match up. But in my pride, in my desperation, I sat there for six months, a stubborn child, trying to will my way into showing God how badly I wanted this friendship to go on. 

I snatched pen and paper into my own hands, fighting desperately to write a tale of romance and beauty in which I thought I could be forever happy. I struggled through nights of only a few solitary hours of sleep, nights filled with crying and tear-stained pillows and emotional breakdowns because I thought I could foresee and predict God's ending to my story. I tried to make it all work. Yet when it became more obvious that His answer was "no" and things started falling to pieces, I tried to ignore His answer and the warning lights going on around me. My fists were clenched, holding on tightly to my own hopes and dreams as if my life were my own, as if I could ever be a more poetic author, a more talented painter, or a more competent artist than the Creator of the universe.

It took a lot to break my clenched fists, a lot of extreme circumstances of hurt and abandonment for me to see my own stubbornness and brokenness. But now I see the beauty and the benefits of going through life with unclenched fists, open and ready to accept whatever and whomever the Lord will give and take away. 

In a way, the Scriptures are full of people who lived with unclenched fists, people who lost homes and families and careers for Christ. These heroic men and women understood that God's plan often differs dramatically from our own dreams and hopes, and sometimes He says "no" to the possessions and people we hold most dearly. The rich young ruler understood this all too well in Matthew 19:21-22, which reads: 

"Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions."

In a way, we can sometimes act similarly to this rich young ruler, clinging to our earthly loves, afraid that God might say "no" and remove those dearest from our lives. Yet too often we forget that the Person directing our life song isn't simply another fallible human being. The One who composes each incident in our lives is the Creator of the Universe who sent His Son down to earth that we might have a restored relationship and an eternity with Him. He holds the world together, blending beautiful strains of music into one powerful, awe-inspiring melody shouting of His glory and our good. When the Psalmist wrote, 

"Into Your hand I commit my spirit, You have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."

[Psalm 31:5]

he knew full-well that he was committing his spirit into the hands of the Almighty God. 

Somewhere in the supernatural realm of the universe, I also believe that the past six months were part of God's plan for me, a small section of my tapestry, a few pages in my life story, a small refrain in my song, teaching me to unclench my fists and to commit my spirit to the One who is forever faithful. I'm learning that living with open hands and an open heart is a daily commitment, a daily prayer to the God who hears, and a daily surrender of myself, knowing that the ending, which will be the best part, is yet to come.

112 Days Until Manila

Hi everyone,

I'm really excited to announce that in 16 weeks I'll be headed to Manila to serve alongside the Nichols family and Redemptio Christian School! I am so blessed and privileged to have this amazing opportunity to learn more about missions firsthand, to see the work God is doing in Manila, and to grow physically, spiritually, and emotionally. 

It will be a little different from my last trip to Manila. Last time I had the opportunity to serve alongside my church in various ministries in metro Manila, but this time, I will just be traveling by myself to learn more about missions from the Nichols and to stretch myself and serve in whatever way God has planned. 

It will be my first time flying by myself anywhere, let alone overseas, and traveling alone is a little intimidating. I am a type A personality who is incredibly schedule-oriented and who likes to have things under control. However, after the two weeks spent in Manila two summers ago, I already know that missions requires flexibility, patience, and peace despite whatever alternative plans God has in store. This trip is huge and it's scary and unpredictable, but I'm excited to learn more about how to trust God tangibly, even when things are unfamiliar or out of my comfort zone. I know God will stretch me, and I pray that I will be ready for that stretching process. 

Words cannot describe how excited I am for this opportunity. Ever since that trip two years ago, long-term missions has really become engrained in my hopes for the future, and I hope this trip will be a stepping stone to help me learn about not only missions, but also God and serving others. Missions is part of God's heart, and I desire that it become a big part of mine as well. Please keep me in your prayers! Thank you! Salamat po.

For 2015: A Poem Paraphrased from Psalm 107

{paraphrased from Psalm 107}

... some wandered in desert wastes, their soul fainting within them. they searched for a city, lacking food, lacking water, lacking sustenance, lacking hope. some sat in darkness, for they had rebelled against the words of God. they had been fools through their sinful ways, and their courage melted away in their evil plight. in the darkness, they realized their own brokenness and they too lost hope. 

weary travelers lost in the darkness.
fools captive by their own chains.
us.

then we cried to the Lord in our trouble, and He delivered us from our distress. 

He led us faithfully by a straight way until we reached a city to dwell in. He brought us out of the shadow of death and burst our bonds apart. He calmed the storm and made the waves be still, and He brought us, broken sailors, to our desired haven.

for He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things.

let us praise the Lord, for He has brought us to dine on the riches of His love, though we are undeserving. 

let us attend to these things, for the Lord delights and takes pleasure in us.

let us consider the steadfast love of the Lord, how He has walked alongside us for the past days and how He will forevermore.

through the winds and the waves and the desert and the chains, our God has been faithful.

selah.

No Strings Attached: A Rant About the Refugee Situation, the Homeless, and Giving

"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?"

{Matthew 5:46-47}

Do we truly understand what it means to give with no strings attached, no end goal in mind?

Jesus transformed water into wine, multiplying loaves and fish to feed and provide for thousands. He poured Himself out for His people, healing the sick, allowing the blind to see, the lame to walk. He cared for the broken, the lonely, the infirm, the outcast. And at the end of a life of sacrificial giving, the very people He loved for thirty-three years turned Him in, calling for his death, calling for blood. I can't imagine Christ's pain, to hear the very voices that once thanked and worshipped Him demand His crucifixion. 

Christ devoted His life towards ministering and loving a man who would later betray Him for a few silver coins and a people who would turn their backs on their Creator. 

Yet, He thought it worth it. He saw nothing wrong with sacrificing His love and time and energy for an ungrateful, unworthy people.

He gave, pouring Himself out for people He knew would betray Him.

He gave, knowing His gifts would be trampled upon underfoot.

He gave, knowing the loaves and fish would feed people living in sin, refusing to repent, refusing to see.

He gave.

And when we as believers have Christ's sacrifice as our example of giving, why do we see so much hatred around us towards refugees, men, women, and children fleeing for their very existence? Why do we close our doors to individuals who desperately need care and Christ's love? Why do we neglect the homeless, driving by without a second thought to the human being behind that cardboard sign?

Is it really giving if we have conditions, if we need to foresee a good ending, if we have our own standards, "if we only let in law-abiding citizens," "if the money goes to good use," if we only give to those who care for us, if we only give to our own people, if we only give to get good results and to fulfill our own agenda? "Do not even the pagans do that?"

"Innocent before proven guilty." Has that mindset reversed to where we no longer give with open hearts and open hands to a hurting world? Perhaps they don't deserve our money. Perhaps they will simply spit upon our time. Perhaps our efforts will be in vain. Perhaps out of a hundred, ninety-nine will use our cash for drugs and our handouts for a lifestyle of crime or dependence on the government. But if we can help one person, if we can clothe one individual and provide him or her with shelter and a meal, if we can open our doors and have one man, woman, or child experience Christ's love, isn't that worth it? 

Yes, we should give wisely. But all I know is that I don't want to be the one standing in the way of a human being receiving the love of Christ. 

We have been given. And so we must give.

“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’"

{Matthew 25:44-45}

Trust: Not a Prerequisite, but a Product

Trust

/trəst/

"assured 

reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something"

{http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust}

Love is a risky thing. There is no way to love safely, to pour out emotions and hearts and souls into another sinful human being and never come away with a few scrapes and bruises. But yet, after all is said and done and blows have been dealt on either side, I think we as human beings approach forgiveness and love and trust in the wrong way. 

We look at love as if people need to deserve our love first before we grant it. 

We scramble to pick up the broken pieces of our own lives and relationships in order to forgive and look past wrongs without ill-intent. And then we attempt to trust again and regain trust but regaining belief and conviction a person that has wronged us is a task that takes time and consistent integrity and effort. And then, after we can fully forgive and fully trust, then we say we love. Only until we can fully reconcile and overlook past wrongs do we dare to love, to regift ourselves. 

We are scared. We are scared to love unconditionally so we put up little parameters, little boxes to check off. First we must be able to forgive, second to trust, and then we can finally check off love. Love is a risky, dangerous, scary thing, and so we shrink from it to protect ourselves, finding conditions and requirements before we can fully pour ourselves out for another human being. 

But God doesn't love us with prerequisites. 

If love has to be deserved or earned, we would never be able to merit the abundant, breathtaking love of God.

He loves us with a radical kind of a love. A love that is not dependent on our response. A love that is unconditional, without conditions. When we were unlovable, dead in our sins, living in rebellion against Him, and hurting the very One who created us in our rejection of Him, He loved us. He loved us though there was no reason for Him to forgive us. And because of the riches of His love, He forgave us, piling blessings of grace upon blessing. Because of His love, He saved us, making us right with Him.

Love comes first. Without love, we cannot hope to overlook past wrongs, because truth is, people have wronged us and we have wronged others. People will break our trust time after time again, and we will never completely deserve the trust of others. 

If trust and forgiveness are prerequisites for love, we will never be able to truly love because we are broken people.

If trust and forgiveness are prerequisites for love, we will never be able to be loved because we are broken people.

The past few months I have struggled with trust. Struggled to trust and struggled to earn trust. But I've realized that I've been approaching trust wrong. 

Trust isn't a prerequisite for love. It is a product of love.

Trust is what love does. Trust is a result of a 1 Corinthians 13 type of a love, a love that is patient, kind, not easily irritated. It comes from a love that endures all things and hopes despite all odds. A love that is long suffering. 

God loves us unconditionally, without conditions. When we begin to love the way God loves, when we look beyond ourselves and love another human being sacrificially with patience and joy, we can trust because we love. When we patiently work with one another in our weaknesses, when we humbly put the wellbeing of others before ourselves, when we stifle our anger, when we choose not to bring to mind the faults of others, when we persevere with one another, we can begin to trust and forgive. 

I am undeserving of trust and forgiveness. But I receive trust and forgiveness from God and from others around me because they love me more than I could ever deserve. And in the same way, I desire to love radically, in abandonment of self because that is how my God loves me. 

Beauty in the Brokenness: Reflections After a Week of Working Alongside Sacred Road Ministries

"If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong;

and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."

{Isaiah 58:10-11}

Spending a week at the White Swan reservation in Yakima, WA, left more than a few dried splatters of paint on my arms and dirt under my nails. How can a week living and learning and loving under a 105 degree sun, holding a child grimy with dirt in your lap or slathering slate blue paint on walls and caulking cracks in between boards or singing God's praises with tens of youth or watching the interns love and care for and carry and give piggyback rides and pour themselves over the children with the most beautiful smiles that must touch the heart of God Himself not change someone? To see a ministry living and active and completely overflowing with service in the footsteps of Jesus and to see the changed lives of the children and youth and interns and the beautiful church building and the hearts of those serving. . . how could it not leave an impact on my life? 

To wake up to a beautifully arid landscape and to see Mt. Adams framing the dry landscape and finding roadkill a few miles down West Wapato Road and to arrive at church only to pack a sack lunch and head off to a wonderfully challenging day at worksite painting and roofing and building to bless the community only to arrive back in the afternoon for kids club and to hold and carry and play with the young and dirty and forgotten and yet their smiles and their beautiful, bright eyes just stay with me until we head back to rest and fellowship under the light of a golden, full moon.

When I left last week, I was filled with worry over my own life, and the pages in my journal were filled with fear and uncertainty and insecurity. I was focused on my own hardships and struggles and the little things someone said or did. But arriving at Yakima, my view of myself and God were disoriented and torn from their self-centered perspective. I had to ask myself, do I believe that God is sovereign over all this pain? Is He is control over the physical and sexual and emotional abuse of the children and the economic hardships of the families and the alcohol and drug problems and the broken hearts and uncared-for toddlers? Is He in control and active in the hurting community with mothers younger than me and children wandering around with only diapers and lice in their hair and those who are hurting, hurting in ways that I could never imagine?

And when I looked around and saw the changed lives and the love poured out on the very least, I could say yes. Yes, God is working. Yes, God is turning many towards Him through the examples of His children working faithfully to bring Him honor and praise. I saw the lives on the interns and families and those who trust in Christ, and I saw lives of joy and peace and contentment in the Lord and His work. He is in complete control over each situation, and He is so very, very good.

And if He is control of the abuse and the pain and heartache and the things that break my heart, is He not also in control of my own life? Of the little things that make me worried, of ruined to-do lists, a few hurtful words, healing friendships? Is He not holding the whole world in His hands, holding the lives of those in White Swan and holding mine as well?

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

And tonight of all nights on July 4th, drunken parties and abuse and the brokenness rages on more than ever in White Swan, and as I reflect on this fact that's so, so wrong, I can't help but cry out and weep over the pain, knowing my God weeps as well. I take comfort in the fact that God's name Emmanuel means God with us, and God not only with me, but God with White Swan and each suffering child and hopeless mother and wounded father and God with Sacred Road, blessing that ministry and allowing it to blossom. God is in the pain. He hears the cry of each child, and He holds them close in His arms. But He's not just leaving the hurt as black and deep as it is, but He's working and moving, creating something glorious and hopeful and peaceful and beautiful, an oasis of joy and beauty in the midst of the blackest pain.

This week I had the chance to "come and see," and I saw. I saw brokenness, but I saw beauty. The beauty of Jesus' heart beating and His love poured out to the children and youth and adults, and I saw the beauty of changed hearts and lives of people once living in sin brought to His feet. I saw the beauty of the interns and teams and families faithfully and diligently working in the heat to love those who Jesus loves. Life is full of brokenness, but we do have a God who is sovereign over our worries and fears and a God who turns our brokenness into something beautiful to shine brightly because of the hope we have in Him. 

Although we are weeping 

Lord, help us keep sowing 

The seeds of Your Kingdom 

For the day You will reap them 

Your sheaves we will carry 

Lord, please do not tarry 

All those who sow weeping will go out with songs of joy 

The nations will say, "He has done great things!" 

The nations will sing songs of joy

Christianity: How to Find Eternal Satisfaction 101

All too often, people view Christianity as the austerity of monks, as a religion of burdens and rules and regulations and obligations, a certain code of self-sacrifice and self-denial, a road filled with hardship and difficulties and trials and self-abandonment. And while yes, Christ does call us to die to self and live to righteousness, what if I told you Christianity was about finding an indescribable treasure? Of savoring and worshipping and praising and adoring and finding an eternal, never ending source of satisfaction? That the pathway to such treasure may be filled with pitfalls and rocky obstacles, but throughout the journey, we can rejoice every step of the way? 

Such is the call of the Christian, not to live a joyless life, but to live a joy-full life. 

To live a life so drenched in satisfaction with Christ that our joy might overflow and drops of living water fall from our thoughts and words and actions, so that others might thirst and desire and find eternal treasure above.

We are called to treasure, to savor, to run our tongue along the cracks of Christianity, of God's free grace and steadfast love and constant mercy and renewed forgiveness and His ability to keep us from falling, so that others can see us rejoicing in God's goodness and their mouths might water in return.

Often I find that my opinions are tainted by those of others. If my friends enjoy a particular song or movie, my expectations and appreciation for the film or music will increase as well. In the same way, when we as children of God demonstrate that immense love and satisfaction can be found within Christ, when we live out and praise and share of the joy of Christian living, this will invite others to see and treasure God with us in return. 

John Piper once wrote, "The way we honor Christ in death is to treasure Jesus above the gift of life, and the way we honor Christ in life is to treasure Jesus above life's gifts." 

We are called and commanded to treasure Christ.

However, that's not a tiresome task or a burdensome chore, but a privilege. A privilege to fully find that yes, God is good and all He does is good and He is our Rock and Refuge in that whatever happens in life, we can trust Him, for He is eternally constant and faithful and will finish the work He has begun in us. It's a privilege to be children of the Creator and to find worth and value in our salvation, not in our works, and to recognize that we have significance because we were designed and crafted by the King of Creation and He loves us and we can spend our eternity with Him. It's a privilege to be loved and cherished by the One who made us, and it's a privilege to serve and honor Him with our lives.

The ability to treasure and savor and delight ourselves in Christ is a gift. 

Because we were broken people who rejected the very One who made us in hopes that we could find something better in the world around us. But we were so very, very wrong, and in our rebellion, in our depravity, we destroyed the beautiful relationship we were made for. Yet, God in His goodness restored our relationship with Him, so we can now know Him and worship and treasure the One who made us and call Him Abba Father. We can now live joy-filled lives that reflect and tell of all He has done for us.

Sure, there may be difficulties in life that we must persevere through, but though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea and though its waters roar and foam, God is good. And we can find our security and satisfaction and joy in Him and in Him alone. 

Christianity is a religion of never-ending, eternal, constant joy. Joy not based in things or people, but joy based in the Faithful One who will never leave nor abandon us. And because of that, we can savor. We can treasure Jesus, drinking deeply of the Fountain of Life and overflowing praise of His grace and love to life's brim. 

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation." {Psalm 68:19}