Beauty in the Brokenness: Reflections After a Week of Working Alongside Sacred Road Ministries

"If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong;

and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."

{Isaiah 58:10-11}

Spending a week at the White Swan reservation in Yakima, WA, left more than a few dried splatters of paint on my arms and dirt under my nails. How can a week living and learning and loving under a 105 degree sun, holding a child grimy with dirt in your lap or slathering slate blue paint on walls and caulking cracks in between boards or singing God's praises with tens of youth or watching the interns love and care for and carry and give piggyback rides and pour themselves over the children with the most beautiful smiles that must touch the heart of God Himself not change someone? To see a ministry living and active and completely overflowing with service in the footsteps of Jesus and to see the changed lives of the children and youth and interns and the beautiful church building and the hearts of those serving. . . how could it not leave an impact on my life? 

To wake up to a beautifully arid landscape and to see Mt. Adams framing the dry landscape and finding roadkill a few miles down West Wapato Road and to arrive at church only to pack a sack lunch and head off to a wonderfully challenging day at worksite painting and roofing and building to bless the community only to arrive back in the afternoon for kids club and to hold and carry and play with the young and dirty and forgotten and yet their smiles and their beautiful, bright eyes just stay with me until we head back to rest and fellowship under the light of a golden, full moon.

When I left last week, I was filled with worry over my own life, and the pages in my journal were filled with fear and uncertainty and insecurity. I was focused on my own hardships and struggles and the little things someone said or did. But arriving at Yakima, my view of myself and God were disoriented and torn from their self-centered perspective. I had to ask myself, do I believe that God is sovereign over all this pain? Is He is control over the physical and sexual and emotional abuse of the children and the economic hardships of the families and the alcohol and drug problems and the broken hearts and uncared-for toddlers? Is He in control and active in the hurting community with mothers younger than me and children wandering around with only diapers and lice in their hair and those who are hurting, hurting in ways that I could never imagine?

And when I looked around and saw the changed lives and the love poured out on the very least, I could say yes. Yes, God is working. Yes, God is turning many towards Him through the examples of His children working faithfully to bring Him honor and praise. I saw the lives on the interns and families and those who trust in Christ, and I saw lives of joy and peace and contentment in the Lord and His work. He is in complete control over each situation, and He is so very, very good.

And if He is control of the abuse and the pain and heartache and the things that break my heart, is He not also in control of my own life? Of the little things that make me worried, of ruined to-do lists, a few hurtful words, healing friendships? Is He not holding the whole world in His hands, holding the lives of those in White Swan and holding mine as well?

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

And tonight of all nights on July 4th, drunken parties and abuse and the brokenness rages on more than ever in White Swan, and as I reflect on this fact that's so, so wrong, I can't help but cry out and weep over the pain, knowing my God weeps as well. I take comfort in the fact that God's name Emmanuel means God with us, and God not only with me, but God with White Swan and each suffering child and hopeless mother and wounded father and God with Sacred Road, blessing that ministry and allowing it to blossom. God is in the pain. He hears the cry of each child, and He holds them close in His arms. But He's not just leaving the hurt as black and deep as it is, but He's working and moving, creating something glorious and hopeful and peaceful and beautiful, an oasis of joy and beauty in the midst of the blackest pain.

This week I had the chance to "come and see," and I saw. I saw brokenness, but I saw beauty. The beauty of Jesus' heart beating and His love poured out to the children and youth and adults, and I saw the beauty of changed hearts and lives of people once living in sin brought to His feet. I saw the beauty of the interns and teams and families faithfully and diligently working in the heat to love those who Jesus loves. Life is full of brokenness, but we do have a God who is sovereign over our worries and fears and a God who turns our brokenness into something beautiful to shine brightly because of the hope we have in Him. 

Although we are weeping 

Lord, help us keep sowing 

The seeds of Your Kingdom 

For the day You will reap them 

Your sheaves we will carry 

Lord, please do not tarry 

All those who sow weeping will go out with songs of joy 

The nations will say, "He has done great things!" 

The nations will sing songs of joy

Christianity: How to Find Eternal Satisfaction 101

All too often, people view Christianity as the austerity of monks, as a religion of burdens and rules and regulations and obligations, a certain code of self-sacrifice and self-denial, a road filled with hardship and difficulties and trials and self-abandonment. And while yes, Christ does call us to die to self and live to righteousness, what if I told you Christianity was about finding an indescribable treasure? Of savoring and worshipping and praising and adoring and finding an eternal, never ending source of satisfaction? That the pathway to such treasure may be filled with pitfalls and rocky obstacles, but throughout the journey, we can rejoice every step of the way? 

Such is the call of the Christian, not to live a joyless life, but to live a joy-full life. 

To live a life so drenched in satisfaction with Christ that our joy might overflow and drops of living water fall from our thoughts and words and actions, so that others might thirst and desire and find eternal treasure above.

We are called to treasure, to savor, to run our tongue along the cracks of Christianity, of God's free grace and steadfast love and constant mercy and renewed forgiveness and His ability to keep us from falling, so that others can see us rejoicing in God's goodness and their mouths might water in return.

Often I find that my opinions are tainted by those of others. If my friends enjoy a particular song or movie, my expectations and appreciation for the film or music will increase as well. In the same way, when we as children of God demonstrate that immense love and satisfaction can be found within Christ, when we live out and praise and share of the joy of Christian living, this will invite others to see and treasure God with us in return. 

John Piper once wrote, "The way we honor Christ in death is to treasure Jesus above the gift of life, and the way we honor Christ in life is to treasure Jesus above life's gifts." 

We are called and commanded to treasure Christ.

However, that's not a tiresome task or a burdensome chore, but a privilege. A privilege to fully find that yes, God is good and all He does is good and He is our Rock and Refuge in that whatever happens in life, we can trust Him, for He is eternally constant and faithful and will finish the work He has begun in us. It's a privilege to be children of the Creator and to find worth and value in our salvation, not in our works, and to recognize that we have significance because we were designed and crafted by the King of Creation and He loves us and we can spend our eternity with Him. It's a privilege to be loved and cherished by the One who made us, and it's a privilege to serve and honor Him with our lives.

The ability to treasure and savor and delight ourselves in Christ is a gift. 

Because we were broken people who rejected the very One who made us in hopes that we could find something better in the world around us. But we were so very, very wrong, and in our rebellion, in our depravity, we destroyed the beautiful relationship we were made for. Yet, God in His goodness restored our relationship with Him, so we can now know Him and worship and treasure the One who made us and call Him Abba Father. We can now live joy-filled lives that reflect and tell of all He has done for us.

Sure, there may be difficulties in life that we must persevere through, but though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea and though its waters roar and foam, God is good. And we can find our security and satisfaction and joy in Him and in Him alone. 

Christianity is a religion of never-ending, eternal, constant joy. Joy not based in things or people, but joy based in the Faithful One who will never leave nor abandon us. And because of that, we can savor. We can treasure Jesus, drinking deeply of the Fountain of Life and overflowing praise of His grace and love to life's brim. 

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation." {Psalm 68:19}

At the Brink of 2015: 3 Attributes I Want to Develop This Year

Last year I sat down in this same chair and blogged about 2013. Asked for joy and a passion for the Lord. Prayed to be broken so I could find my satisfaction and joy and all in Him.

And here I am again, at the brink of a new year, cup of tea in hand, praying that God is delighted with me. That this year has changed and molded me into a woman of God He is pleased with. That 2014 has brought me to my knees more often in realization of my own weakness and His strength. And I think it has. 

Looking back to a year filled with speech and debate and school, I find that slowly, I have learned to depend on Him more for strength and wisdom. A cramped schedule, difficult homework assignments, and speech and debate tournaments have humbled me and taught me more and more that I need God's strength and peace each day. It's a lesson I'm still learning, to lean on my Heavenly Father instead of my own limited capacity. I remember His hand over my life during those two blessed weeks in Manila, strengthening and teaching me through the examples of others, imparting me with a desire to one day serve Him overseas, humbling me and working in me. And that week in Worldview Academy allowed me to see my shamefully faltering love for the Father and gave me a new thirst to develop my relationship with Him. This new school year has been the busiest yet, but somehow, I've survived the first semester with God's grace.

Here I stand, in awe of God's provision. It reminds me of the Psalms when David recalled God's faithfulness in the past and praised Him for His hand over His people. And that's a bit of what I feel right now. I'm so very thankful that He is working in me and has strengthened me and has drawn me closer to Himself this past year. I truly am a work-in-progress, and it really is mindblowing to reflect on God's hand over my life. I don't and will never deserve His love and faithfulness, but through His grace, I can do what little I can with the life I have now to live more fully for Him. So here's three attributes I want to focus on this year so I can reflect my Father's love to those around me for His glory. (If you're reading this and know me personally, please hold me accountable. Thank you.)

1) Reverence 

I want to develop a deeper reverence for the Lord. And this may sound strange and uncommon, but too often I worship myself. Too often I place my own thoughts and desires above God, and I fail to notice the truth, that I am so small and insignificant and weak and sinful compared to my Creator God who is perfect in righteousness and strength. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And this year, I want to develop a healthy fear for my Heavenly Father, that I may see myself and this earth in light of who He is. That I may develop awe for Him and that I may never eclipse His glory with my own idols. That I may be humbled and encouraged by meditating on His attributes and reflecting on the awesome God we serve.

Father God, teach me more about Yourself. I desire to know You more. May my knowledge of You not puff me up, but rather humble me and empower me to worship You in light of the awesome and glorious God You are.

2) Servanthood

This ties in together with reverence and my desire for humility. When we notice God's character and attributes and His promises and faithfulness for His children, it should naturally cause a desire to serve and love those around us as an outpouring of our love for our Father. I want to serve more this year, to learn to give up my own interests for the interests of others and to love others before myself. I want to do the hard things, the little things, the dirty things because that's what Christ has commanded us to do and what He exemplified by coming down to earth and sacrificing Himself on the cross. May this year bring opportunities to serve my family, my friends, my church, and those I interact with for God's glory and for my good. May I have the courage and strength to reach out and love others, even at the cost of my own self-interest.

Lord, You exemplified servanthood in Your birth, life, and death. I desire to serve and love those around me as You did. This world focuses so much on self, but I want to stand against the culture by loving You and loving others sacrificially in return. Give me strength to do the hard things this year, so that others can see the immensity of what You have done for me through my actions.

3) Joy

Too often I disregard everything my Father has done for me and overlook my privileges and blessings as a child of God. I want to find joy, not in my circumstances, but in God's promises and His attributes. As I grow to know Him more this year, I want to not only serve others, but to be thankful and rejoice in who He is. I desire that my emotions and my joy be based not on other people or the things of this world, but on my God who is always good and faithful and never changes. May my joy point others to the true joy that is only possible through knowing Christ.

Lord, I look back at this year and I am in awe of Your goodness and provision and faithfulness to me. I know that I stumble and fall so many times, but You have never abandoned me. Even through difficult times, I have never walked alone. Thank You, Lord, for Your sovereign hand that works everything to the good of those who love You and fear Your name. You are an amazing God, and it is an honor and a privilege to be called Your daughter. May You be glorified through me this next year. May Your light shine through me, that I may serve and better encourage others with the strength You provide. May this upcoming year bring both times of blessing and times of trial to bring me closer to You and increase my love and worship of You. 

A 365 Day Journey: Looking Back and Looking Forward

This is my first year making New Year resolutions. 

I've never made them before because I've always had this philosophy that life is about finding ways to grow and mature through each day, through each second. Sort of a short term perspective. And it worked for a while, I'll admit. A big part of life is about working in each second, finding ways to act in each specific situation to reflect Christ. 

But this year, I felt a bit differently towards New Year resolutions. A bit adventurous, maybe even. Heck, why not? Life is still relatively fresh. 2014, finishing up my sophomore year. Heading into the world of juniors: PSAT, SATs, visiting colleges. It won't hurt to have a few goals in mind, so I won't backtrack in my spiritual life because I want God to be the center of my life, no matter what. 

I have some non-spiritual resolutions in mind, regarding things like debate, karate, firearms maybe even. But in this post, I'm going to set myself two main spiritual goals that I hope to somewhat obtain by 2015. 

1) Joy in all things. 

Because sometimes I act like a jerk and let my circumstances dictate my emotions. Life is too much like a rollercoaster for me. And so often I forget that this life isn't about me. It never was. It's about the One who saved me. Who died for me, so that I can have every spiritual blessing here on earth. Who provided everything I need for life and godliness, and who promises an unconditional peace. He loves me, no matter what. And so often I forget this amazing truth: that the Creator of the UNIVERSE is my heavenly Father. And life isn't about me or having a good time. It's about God. And all things work according to the good of His children who love Him and obey His commands. So I can trust Him, because everything is according to His glorious plan. 

So this year, I want joy. To stop complaining and whining about every little thing. To stop feeling depressed and miserable. To stop criticizing people and feeling sorry for myself. I want to see beyond the dronings of this world and have a God-given joy and peace despite the curveball life throws at me. It won't be easy. It'll be a battle. But it'll be a battle worth winning.

2) Prioritize spending time with God. 

To be honest, I am ashamed at how little time I spend with Him out of my 24 hours each day or how little I care about getting to know Him better. I can wax eloquent about how much I love God and all that, but it all comes down to everyday situations. Everyday scenarios. Woke up too late, and what do I forgo? Cut down to a minimum 5 minutes scanning through God's Word, 10 second prayer, rushing downstairs to get today's workload done. And I know this is a heart attitude. That I care more about other things than about my heavenly Father. 

This needs to change. Just like any other relationship, time needs to be invested in order for it to grow and deepen into something beautiful. And I should be overjoyed to spend time with my Creator. In these next twelve months, I want to know God. I want to spend more time with Him. I really truly want Him to be first above everything else. And this will be hard. And there will be days when I just want to check Facebook or start working on math homework instead of talking to my Creator and reading His Word. But I want Him to be first. Which means I need to make Him first. Starting today. 

When I look back at 2013, I realize how much God has taught me. I've made some really horrible mistakes, but He never left me. Never once. And even when it seemed like nothing was going right and my world was becoming fried, He knew what He was doing. And in hindsight, I am so grateful. I am so grateful for all those times when I suffered and was broken, because they really drove me to the throne of God. 

Earlier in 2013, one of the things I struggled with was the question that many of you might also have wondered: If God is a good God, why are so many people going to Hell? People that I love and care for, my friends, my family, those who I hold dear to me. And night after night, I'd cry my heart out because I felt so guilty. Call it survivor's guilt if you will. I couldn't comprehend why God would do such a thing, and why I was saved while those I loved weren't. I felt so incredibly criminal inside, and for a while, I withdrew from God. I hated Him. I told myself that I wouldn't, I couldn't believe in a God who willingly hurt such beautiful people and condemned them to an eternal Hell. 

Yet God was still there. Even when I hated Him, even when I despised His gift of salvation, He was there all along, and I knew it. It must have broken His heart to see His daughter reject Him and spit on His goodness. 

Because, the truth is, we are not innocent people. In fact, all of us have rebelled against God totally. Apart from Him, we cannot do good. We are unable to please God and incapable of anything worth doing. We broke His law and we deserved Hell. Yet, because of His mercy, He sent His one and only Son down to this earth so we can be saved. We all have the chance of eternal life, if only we repent from our sins and turn to Him, surrendering our broken hearts to Him and accepting Him as Lord and Master of our lives, living our redeemed lives for holiness for Him. 

The question isn't "why them?" The question is "why me?" 

Why did God choose me? I am unworthy of His sacrifice. I don't deserve His goodness. I don't deserve life on earth. I broke His law. I am unworthy. 

Yet He chose me, not because of who I am, but because He wanted to glorify Himself through me.

Because that's the purpose of anything and everything here on earth. That's the purpose of living. To glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. This whole salvation process, it's all about His glory. Each person who is saved is for God's glory. It's not about us. It never has been. It's about God and glorifying Him and magnifying His name because He truly is great. 

I am unworthy. So Lord, let Your mercy and strength and love shine through me. Glorify Yourself through me. 

I'm like a broken clay pot, punctured, cracked. Yet it's because of these fractures that the light can shine through all the more clearly. 

It's my imperfection that allows Christ's perfection to be more clearly revealed.
It's my sinfulness that unearths the extent of Christ's forgiveness and grace.
It's my weakness that reveals the immensity of Christ's strength.

And that's my prayer for 2014. To be so immersed in God that my every action, every thought, every word would bring honor and glory to the One who deserves all glory. 

Lord, make me weak this year. Make me so dependent on You that people can see You working through this broken heart of mine. Because it's really You working through me. I am nothing on my own. Yet, with You, I have worth. Being. A purpose. Glorify Yourself through me in each day, so that people will ultimately praise You and bring honor to Your Name, because You are so worthy of all the praise here on this earth. Whatever this year may bring, whether suffering or tears or hard work or laughter, may I grow ever closer to You and into the likeness of Your Son. Amen.