Beauty in the Brokenness: Reflections After a Week of Working Alongside Sacred Road Ministries

"If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong;

and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."

{Isaiah 58:10-11}

Spending a week at the White Swan reservation in Yakima, WA, left more than a few dried splatters of paint on my arms and dirt under my nails. How can a week living and learning and loving under a 105 degree sun, holding a child grimy with dirt in your lap or slathering slate blue paint on walls and caulking cracks in between boards or singing God's praises with tens of youth or watching the interns love and care for and carry and give piggyback rides and pour themselves over the children with the most beautiful smiles that must touch the heart of God Himself not change someone? To see a ministry living and active and completely overflowing with service in the footsteps of Jesus and to see the changed lives of the children and youth and interns and the beautiful church building and the hearts of those serving. . . how could it not leave an impact on my life? 

To wake up to a beautifully arid landscape and to see Mt. Adams framing the dry landscape and finding roadkill a few miles down West Wapato Road and to arrive at church only to pack a sack lunch and head off to a wonderfully challenging day at worksite painting and roofing and building to bless the community only to arrive back in the afternoon for kids club and to hold and carry and play with the young and dirty and forgotten and yet their smiles and their beautiful, bright eyes just stay with me until we head back to rest and fellowship under the light of a golden, full moon.

When I left last week, I was filled with worry over my own life, and the pages in my journal were filled with fear and uncertainty and insecurity. I was focused on my own hardships and struggles and the little things someone said or did. But arriving at Yakima, my view of myself and God were disoriented and torn from their self-centered perspective. I had to ask myself, do I believe that God is sovereign over all this pain? Is He is control over the physical and sexual and emotional abuse of the children and the economic hardships of the families and the alcohol and drug problems and the broken hearts and uncared-for toddlers? Is He in control and active in the hurting community with mothers younger than me and children wandering around with only diapers and lice in their hair and those who are hurting, hurting in ways that I could never imagine?

And when I looked around and saw the changed lives and the love poured out on the very least, I could say yes. Yes, God is working. Yes, God is turning many towards Him through the examples of His children working faithfully to bring Him honor and praise. I saw the lives on the interns and families and those who trust in Christ, and I saw lives of joy and peace and contentment in the Lord and His work. He is in complete control over each situation, and He is so very, very good.

And if He is control of the abuse and the pain and heartache and the things that break my heart, is He not also in control of my own life? Of the little things that make me worried, of ruined to-do lists, a few hurtful words, healing friendships? Is He not holding the whole world in His hands, holding the lives of those in White Swan and holding mine as well?

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

And tonight of all nights on July 4th, drunken parties and abuse and the brokenness rages on more than ever in White Swan, and as I reflect on this fact that's so, so wrong, I can't help but cry out and weep over the pain, knowing my God weeps as well. I take comfort in the fact that God's name Emmanuel means God with us, and God not only with me, but God with White Swan and each suffering child and hopeless mother and wounded father and God with Sacred Road, blessing that ministry and allowing it to blossom. God is in the pain. He hears the cry of each child, and He holds them close in His arms. But He's not just leaving the hurt as black and deep as it is, but He's working and moving, creating something glorious and hopeful and peaceful and beautiful, an oasis of joy and beauty in the midst of the blackest pain.

This week I had the chance to "come and see," and I saw. I saw brokenness, but I saw beauty. The beauty of Jesus' heart beating and His love poured out to the children and youth and adults, and I saw the beauty of changed hearts and lives of people once living in sin brought to His feet. I saw the beauty of the interns and teams and families faithfully and diligently working in the heat to love those who Jesus loves. Life is full of brokenness, but we do have a God who is sovereign over our worries and fears and a God who turns our brokenness into something beautiful to shine brightly because of the hope we have in Him. 

Although we are weeping 

Lord, help us keep sowing 

The seeds of Your Kingdom 

For the day You will reap them 

Your sheaves we will carry 

Lord, please do not tarry 

All those who sow weeping will go out with songs of joy 

The nations will say, "He has done great things!" 

The nations will sing songs of joy

Christianity: How to Find Eternal Satisfaction 101

All too often, people view Christianity as the austerity of monks, as a religion of burdens and rules and regulations and obligations, a certain code of self-sacrifice and self-denial, a road filled with hardship and difficulties and trials and self-abandonment. And while yes, Christ does call us to die to self and live to righteousness, what if I told you Christianity was about finding an indescribable treasure? Of savoring and worshipping and praising and adoring and finding an eternal, never ending source of satisfaction? That the pathway to such treasure may be filled with pitfalls and rocky obstacles, but throughout the journey, we can rejoice every step of the way? 

Such is the call of the Christian, not to live a joyless life, but to live a joy-full life. 

To live a life so drenched in satisfaction with Christ that our joy might overflow and drops of living water fall from our thoughts and words and actions, so that others might thirst and desire and find eternal treasure above.

We are called to treasure, to savor, to run our tongue along the cracks of Christianity, of God's free grace and steadfast love and constant mercy and renewed forgiveness and His ability to keep us from falling, so that others can see us rejoicing in God's goodness and their mouths might water in return.

Often I find that my opinions are tainted by those of others. If my friends enjoy a particular song or movie, my expectations and appreciation for the film or music will increase as well. In the same way, when we as children of God demonstrate that immense love and satisfaction can be found within Christ, when we live out and praise and share of the joy of Christian living, this will invite others to see and treasure God with us in return. 

John Piper once wrote, "The way we honor Christ in death is to treasure Jesus above the gift of life, and the way we honor Christ in life is to treasure Jesus above life's gifts." 

We are called and commanded to treasure Christ.

However, that's not a tiresome task or a burdensome chore, but a privilege. A privilege to fully find that yes, God is good and all He does is good and He is our Rock and Refuge in that whatever happens in life, we can trust Him, for He is eternally constant and faithful and will finish the work He has begun in us. It's a privilege to be children of the Creator and to find worth and value in our salvation, not in our works, and to recognize that we have significance because we were designed and crafted by the King of Creation and He loves us and we can spend our eternity with Him. It's a privilege to be loved and cherished by the One who made us, and it's a privilege to serve and honor Him with our lives.

The ability to treasure and savor and delight ourselves in Christ is a gift. 

Because we were broken people who rejected the very One who made us in hopes that we could find something better in the world around us. But we were so very, very wrong, and in our rebellion, in our depravity, we destroyed the beautiful relationship we were made for. Yet, God in His goodness restored our relationship with Him, so we can now know Him and worship and treasure the One who made us and call Him Abba Father. We can now live joy-filled lives that reflect and tell of all He has done for us.

Sure, there may be difficulties in life that we must persevere through, but though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea and though its waters roar and foam, God is good. And we can find our security and satisfaction and joy in Him and in Him alone. 

Christianity is a religion of never-ending, eternal, constant joy. Joy not based in things or people, but joy based in the Faithful One who will never leave nor abandon us. And because of that, we can savor. We can treasure Jesus, drinking deeply of the Fountain of Life and overflowing praise of His grace and love to life's brim. 

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation." {Psalm 68:19}

Running After Soap Bubbles

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”

- C.S. Lewis

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

- Saint Augustine

We were all born with a unquenchable thirst, an insatiable appetite. We all desired something that could appease our self-esteem and bring safety and security and satisfaction.

We were born thirsty, and so we began to drink from the cup the world provided. We drowned ourselves in the temporary pleasures of life, gorging ourselves on sex, money, fame, success, drinking ourselves drunk on shifting shadows. We lost our minds, our desires, our happiness to the fleeting pleasures of this life, working for grades and people and green pieces of paper that could never truly fill the gaping hole within our hearts. The more we drank, the more we felt the emptiness inside and continued drinking, consuming the world's food to conceal our growing hunger. At the same time, our appetite changed, complied, conformed, until all we wanted, all we desired were these temporary pleasures. We began to lose our taste for the supernatural, in the same way a Starbucks-only coffee drinker can never truly appreciate anything else. Our taste became cheapened by the trinkets of earth. We indulged ourselves in these corporeal amusements, looking only to the world for a satisfaction it could not provide.

The truth is we fell for trash. And we still do. In our limited vision, we fail to keep in mind the eternal weight of glory that awaits and run after carnal pleasures. We trade away the spiritual blessings God provides and the comfort and strength that come from heaven for the gaudy baubles of this earth. We fall head over heels for little pleasures that keep us entertained one second and leave us ravenous for more. 

I am so guilty of pursuing soap bubbles. So often I lose sight of God's amazing grace and look to people for security, grades and plastic trophies for satisfaction. And while temporarily these things hold up under my weight and dependence, eventually they give in. Over the last few months, I've realized that all too often, I place my hope and security and joy on these temporary things. I try to find rest and satisfaction in what this world provides, instead of looking to the only One who can satisfy the ache within. 

King Solomon had it all. He had fame, wealth, success, women. He had everything the world could offer at his command, and yet he realized that life was empty without God. In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon describes the futile pursuit of worldly pleasures. His search to find happiness and fulfillment in the world resulted in vanity, and he was left thirsty, restless, desperate. He was a man who had pursued soap bubbles and found them lacking. Yet, at the end of the book, Solomon cries out a warning to remember our Creator, to fear God and keep His commandments. Though he experienced everything this world could offer, Solomon understood satisfaction and security come from heaven and a healthy fear of the Lord, not from temporary pleasures.

Christ has not just left us restless and searching. Though this world can never truly quench our thirst, there is a Fountain overflowing with living water that we are invited to partake. A Fountain that can wash away our sins and satisfy our longings once and for all in its springs of living water. I guess that's why God created our thirst in the first place, so our search for fulfillment can eventually lead us to Him. He made us thirsty to point us heavenward in order that on earth, we can not only enjoy that Fountain, but also share that living water with others. To pour out the blessings of His grace and point others to Christ for satisfaction and security.

Not only do we have this hope here on earth, but we also have the hope of heaven, where we will no longer feel like aliens and pilgrims on a journey, but where we will finally be home. That quote from C.S. Lewis sums this up perfectly. This world cannot satisfy our desires, because quite frankly, this world is not our home. We were created for another world, and nothing on earth can ever bring complete fulfillment. Yet this desperate search for water directs our gaze upwards to a place of physical, emotional, and spiritual satisfaction. We were created for the supernatural, and while the carnal cannot satisfy, the eternal can. 

This world is full of mirages, and we run to shimmering shadows of water but find them deceiving. We are weary, weary in our unending search for fulfillment, weary in running after soap bubbles. Yet Christ invites us to drink at His feet, to drink and drink our fill in the presence of His grace and lovingkindness. The choice is up to us.

When Your Life is Held in the Hands of the Creator God

I don't think I've made it through a day without worrying. 

Doubting in my own insecurity and questioning my own choices and friendships and decisions and wondering if I really am capable of moving out in an year to step out into the unknown. Trying to figure out things on my own and feeling so incredibly overwhelmed and small in the light of the life-changing turns ahead. 

I'm guilty of worrying.

I'm guilty of not trusting that my life is planned out in detail for God's glory and my good by my Heavenly Father. 

I'm guilty of moving and fighting and searching, rather than simply being still and knowing that He is God and accepting that all things are held within the palm of His hand. 

-

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
{Psalm 46:10, ESV}

-

Sometimes in the light of our everyday lives, we forget who God is. We forget to be still and meditate on His attributes and reflect upon His characteristics. We forget to know and be in awe of the majesty and glory of our Creator. 

In the Systematic Theology class I'm attending at church, we've recently gone over God's omni- attributes, His power and all sufficient knowledge and ability to be in all places at all times. And these thoughts of God, contemplating theology proper, have brought me comfort and peace, knowing that my life is treasured and mapped out by my Heavenly Father.

His omnipresence, God's ability to be completely everywhere at one point in time. To know that my Heavenly Father, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, is always with us, and that we can cry out to Him for wisdom and strength and joy, should bring peace. Even though life may be chaotic and decisions may be difficult, He is Emmanuel, God with us, anytime, anywhere, in the midst of the storm and the confusion and the hardships or when we realize how infinitely blessed we are and life seems to be going well. God is always near. And that thought blows my mind.

His omnipotence, God's ability to do anything and everything consistent with His own nature. God promises to work all things for the good of those who love Him, and we know through His strength, He will follow through. Even though things may seem humanly impossible or complicated, God is all-powerful and we can ask great things of the Almighty God. Rather than worrying or taking things into our own hands, we can trust Him to accomplish everything in accordance to His will.

His omniscience, God's ability to know everything. He understands our weaknesses, our needs, and our desires. He understands what we're struggling through, the little things that try our patience, the tough life decisions we have to make, the complex friendships and relationships in our lives. He knows. And we don't need to worry, for the Creator of the universe who knows all things, including what is best for us at each moment in time, will work all things together for our benefit and His glory, through His perfect power and knowledge and presence.

Worry is a sin.

Worry is doubting the ability of our Creator to know and to act.

Worry is challenging the strength of the Lord to act upon what is best for us, questioning the sovereignty of the Lord and His plan for our lives. 

Worry exists in the absence of a proper fear of the Lord. 

But when we develop a fear and reverence for the Lord, when we contemplate His attributes and find joy and peace in His greatness, when we deliver our cares over to an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God, our worries melt away. We have a God greater than our fears and more powerful than our insecurities who loves us and pursues His glory and our good. We can live each day, trusting Him and His attributes, finding comfort that our lives are in nail-pierced hands.

-

"Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."
{Psalm 55:22, ESV}

At the Brink of 2015: 3 Attributes I Want to Develop This Year

Last year I sat down in this same chair and blogged about 2013. Asked for joy and a passion for the Lord. Prayed to be broken so I could find my satisfaction and joy and all in Him.

And here I am again, at the brink of a new year, cup of tea in hand, praying that God is delighted with me. That this year has changed and molded me into a woman of God He is pleased with. That 2014 has brought me to my knees more often in realization of my own weakness and His strength. And I think it has. 

Looking back to a year filled with speech and debate and school, I find that slowly, I have learned to depend on Him more for strength and wisdom. A cramped schedule, difficult homework assignments, and speech and debate tournaments have humbled me and taught me more and more that I need God's strength and peace each day. It's a lesson I'm still learning, to lean on my Heavenly Father instead of my own limited capacity. I remember His hand over my life during those two blessed weeks in Manila, strengthening and teaching me through the examples of others, imparting me with a desire to one day serve Him overseas, humbling me and working in me. And that week in Worldview Academy allowed me to see my shamefully faltering love for the Father and gave me a new thirst to develop my relationship with Him. This new school year has been the busiest yet, but somehow, I've survived the first semester with God's grace.

Here I stand, in awe of God's provision. It reminds me of the Psalms when David recalled God's faithfulness in the past and praised Him for His hand over His people. And that's a bit of what I feel right now. I'm so very thankful that He is working in me and has strengthened me and has drawn me closer to Himself this past year. I truly am a work-in-progress, and it really is mindblowing to reflect on God's hand over my life. I don't and will never deserve His love and faithfulness, but through His grace, I can do what little I can with the life I have now to live more fully for Him. So here's three attributes I want to focus on this year so I can reflect my Father's love to those around me for His glory. (If you're reading this and know me personally, please hold me accountable. Thank you.)

1) Reverence 

I want to develop a deeper reverence for the Lord. And this may sound strange and uncommon, but too often I worship myself. Too often I place my own thoughts and desires above God, and I fail to notice the truth, that I am so small and insignificant and weak and sinful compared to my Creator God who is perfect in righteousness and strength. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And this year, I want to develop a healthy fear for my Heavenly Father, that I may see myself and this earth in light of who He is. That I may develop awe for Him and that I may never eclipse His glory with my own idols. That I may be humbled and encouraged by meditating on His attributes and reflecting on the awesome God we serve.

Father God, teach me more about Yourself. I desire to know You more. May my knowledge of You not puff me up, but rather humble me and empower me to worship You in light of the awesome and glorious God You are.

2) Servanthood

This ties in together with reverence and my desire for humility. When we notice God's character and attributes and His promises and faithfulness for His children, it should naturally cause a desire to serve and love those around us as an outpouring of our love for our Father. I want to serve more this year, to learn to give up my own interests for the interests of others and to love others before myself. I want to do the hard things, the little things, the dirty things because that's what Christ has commanded us to do and what He exemplified by coming down to earth and sacrificing Himself on the cross. May this year bring opportunities to serve my family, my friends, my church, and those I interact with for God's glory and for my good. May I have the courage and strength to reach out and love others, even at the cost of my own self-interest.

Lord, You exemplified servanthood in Your birth, life, and death. I desire to serve and love those around me as You did. This world focuses so much on self, but I want to stand against the culture by loving You and loving others sacrificially in return. Give me strength to do the hard things this year, so that others can see the immensity of what You have done for me through my actions.

3) Joy

Too often I disregard everything my Father has done for me and overlook my privileges and blessings as a child of God. I want to find joy, not in my circumstances, but in God's promises and His attributes. As I grow to know Him more this year, I want to not only serve others, but to be thankful and rejoice in who He is. I desire that my emotions and my joy be based not on other people or the things of this world, but on my God who is always good and faithful and never changes. May my joy point others to the true joy that is only possible through knowing Christ.

Lord, I look back at this year and I am in awe of Your goodness and provision and faithfulness to me. I know that I stumble and fall so many times, but You have never abandoned me. Even through difficult times, I have never walked alone. Thank You, Lord, for Your sovereign hand that works everything to the good of those who love You and fear Your name. You are an amazing God, and it is an honor and a privilege to be called Your daughter. May You be glorified through me this next year. May Your light shine through me, that I may serve and better encourage others with the strength You provide. May this upcoming year bring both times of blessing and times of trial to bring me closer to You and increase my love and worship of You. 

And That's What Christmas Is All About: Seeing Calvary Through Smokey Mountain

Six months ago, I was halfway around the world, walking through the slums of Manila. I was walking on glass and human waste mixed with mud and mashed up food scraps and holding sticky hands in mine and feeling the sun beat down and bake all the garbage around me in an oven of heat and putrid filth. Even the air smelled polluted. And I was struggling in the midst of all this poverty to hold back tears and not stare too hard at what I was stepping on or what I was breathing in but to pray. To cry out to God above with my breaking heart and trust Him in the midst of such heartbreaking destitution. And I prayed. 

{excerpt from my journal on 6/28/2014}

These people have nothing and it breaks my heart. Really, nothing. Yet they're happy and glad to be alive. The Christians are so willing to serve and so joyful. I can't say I enjoyed it. Seeing all that poverty was heartbreaking. But it opened my eyes. I'll never forget the feeling of loving and reaching out to grimy kids with blackened bodies and sticky hands who have probably never bathed for months. Or seeing kids gnawing on bones atop a pile of trash or climbing Smokey Mountain with a grand view on top of a hill that almost looks natural, if not for the garbage and pieces of glass protruding from the dirt. It's. . .hard to find a word to describe the conditions there. It's very difficult to wrap my mind around it all without crying. Yet God is faithful.

I will always remember one little boy who stood naked from the waist down, blackened and grimy and tugging on my shirt, arms outstretched, begging to be held. A half-naked little boy. Dirty. Just wanting to be loved. And I tried to hide. I tried to say no. I tried to withdraw. His filth and nakedness repulsed me, and I wanted to shrink away and cry. Everything Western and sanitary screamed at me not to touch him.

But in that moment, I was reminded of Calvary's love. If Christ left all the glory in heaven above to live among the filth and waste of our sin, if He sacrificed everything He had for His glory and our salvation, if God Himself came to live and die among sinners in the slum of our hearts, in the depravity of our sin, how could I not love this child? How could I not give myself up and follow after the example of my Savior? If Christ died for me, how could I not love others? 

And in that moment, God taught me a precious lesson. 

Because now when I think about the incarnation of Christ and Christmas, of Christ coming down to earth and being made man, of Him leaving His heavenly throne and the riches of heaven for earth, of being born in the lowliest of places, of living among sinners who repelled Him with our wicked hearts in rebellion against Him, I think of the slums of Manila. I think of Christ, coming down to the filth of our sin and the garbage of our dark hearts, to work and live and love us. Our sin and our hearts were like garbage to Christ, like those sticky, blacked hands and that half-naked body and the human waste lying everywhere on the path. We were repulsive to Him with our thieving, lying, murderous, adulterous hearts. Yet Christ saw us in the spiritual slum of our depravity and He loved us. He loved us enough to come down and live among us, to die for our sins, that we might be freed from our bondage of sin and become adopted sons and daughters of the Most High.

And that's what Christmas is all about. How Christ came down to our level, to the spiritual equivalent of Smokey Mountain, to the filth of our hearts, for His glory and for our good. What an incredible God we have, a God so compassionate and loving and merciful, a God so patient with us in our sin and a God full of grace and blessings that we do not and cannot ever deserve. 

Lord, may we live life each day in light of all that You are and all that You've done.

Reflections Over a Cup of Tea: Identity Crisis and Isaiah 43

I'm a junior. 

And some days I struggle with my identity. 

There are days when I roll out of bed, and I wonder if I am worth more than what I do, what I wear, what people think of me. 

Because life is crazy hectic between school and karate and driving places and learning things and getting decent grades and checkmarks in speech and debate. Crammed full of taking and prepping for all those three letter tests. And suddenly, everyone has figured out colleges and careers and majors, while balancing relationships and a healthy social life on the side.

Am I worth more than a good SAT score?

Am I still worth something if I'm not dating a guy, if I don't know what college I want to go to, if I can't keep up a 4.0 GPA? 

It's so difficult. When there's pressure from all areas of life to conform and be popular and wear the right things and listen to the right music and get asked out by guys. Years have passed, and it's still the same basic struggle. The battle to not fall back into depression or a low self-image, but to wake up and live without always feeling horrible about myself. The desperate fight to find my worth and value and identity, not because of who I am or what I can do or what other people think of me, but as a daughter of the King who sent His Son down to earth to redeem this broken heart, so I now have worth and value and identity because I am cloaked in His love and grace and strength and peace. 

I know all this by heart now. I've said these same things to myself for ages, as long as I can remember. Yet, truly believing these things with heart and soul and mind doesn't come easily.

Lord, help my unbelief.

I turn to Isaiah 43 and its words wash over me, overwhelm me, comfort me.

"But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
4 Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life.
5 Fear not, for I am with you;
    I will bring your offspring from the east,
    and from the west I will gather you.
6 I will say to the north, Give up,
    and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the end of the earth,
7 everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”

I am precious and honored and loved and cherished by the Creator of the universe. Nothing, no one can remove me from the unfailing, constant, irreplaceable love of God.

I bear His name, and through the turbulence of life, I do not walk alone.

I wish I could say reading Isaiah 43 entirely replaced my doubt and insecurity with trust in God. But in all honesty, I can't. I'm just a sinner trying to renew my mind with the truth of God's Word, and it really is a constant, daily struggle, and sometimes I do feel discouraged and not worth much. However, I'm just so grateful that we have a God who is patient with us in our stubbornness, who works through our unbelief that we might truly see and know and understand His amazing love for us. That in everything, through all of life's ups and downs, He loves me, forever and always. We serve an amazing God. 

{Safety is found only in His sovereignty, security in His love, and satisfaction in His presence.}

May I find my security in Him.