When 490 Seems Too Big

70 times 7. 

1. 

And I stare at that number one. I stare, until that single digit is tattooed onto my brain. I stare, hoping if I stare enough and grasp the simplicity of the digit, forgiveness will become easier in the process, and my bitter heart will be able to open up and truly love those I despise. 

But some days, forgiving even once seems impossible. For when there is so much anger and hurt and bitterness, how can I simply embrace someone who caused me so much pain and regret? How can I forgive mistakes and inconsiderations and words?

Lord, how can I forgive? 

How can I forgive the simplest of mistakes, the slightest of inconsiderations, the shortest of words? And if I cannot even forgive the little things, how can I pardon the big things? The thick scars upon my heart that prevent me from forgiveness. The words said to me that I've never shared with anyone, words that still cause tears, and with them, anger. 

Yet, in my bitterness, I cannot justify myself entirely. I think upon the words I've said, the deeds I've done. Those words are inscribed upon my heart too, words that hurt many and still bring me the deepest shame. My actions fall short also, actions full of insensitivity and blunt cruelty. 

My finger strokes the surface of my heart and comes away grimy. 

But in this depressing pit of anger and hatred, my thoughts move beyond me to Christ. He never wronged anyone, yet the world wronged Him. And though we acted towards Him in hostility, bitterness, and hatred, He dealt with us in unconditional love, leading ultimately to His death on the cross. Despite the pain we caused Him, Christ died for us. And because Christ died for us, so we must also forgive, for the entirety of our debt has been paid in full. 

So 490. A huge number. 

But say we've sinned 10 times a day. 
10 times 365 times about 17 years. 
That equals 62,050.
I've sinned a minimum of 62,050 times in my lifetime. 

If Christ has forgiven me more than sixty-thousand times, how can I withhold my forgiveness from anyone? How can we demand pennies from our neighbors when Christ has cancelled our trillion dollar debt? How can we stand in hypocrisy, condemning those who inflict our hearts with paper cuts, while we ourselves crucified our Savior on the cross of our sin?

I am utterly self-righteous.

Christ's example puts me to shame when I examine the bitterness of my heart, as I see how willingly and sacrificially He loved His enemies. Enemies who deserved eternal judgement and everlasting death and His righteous hatred but yet received agape love, adoption into the kingdom, and spiritual regeneration.

Forgiveness is a battle for me. It's hard to disregard the scars upon my heart and welcome those who hurt me with open arms. It's hard to show them Christ's love. And some days, it's a continual process of a renewed hatred remolded into love. But it's a process of sanctification, where our hearts are continually fashioned to become more like our Savior.

Lord, teach me forgiveness. Reveal to me the extent of my sin and the enormity of Your love. Let my self-righteousness wither away at the sight of Your grace and mercy. It is hard to forgive. It is hard to love, Lord. But when I finally come to terms with what You've done for me, forgiving once seems a little less impossible. I recognize that I cannot forgive on my own, but it's because of You that I can love and forgive others. Give me a heart of love and compassion, that I may love others as You love them, unselfishly, unconditionally. I am weak, and often I fail. But You are strong and You delight in using those who are weak. So use me as a channel of love and grace, even to my enemies. I thank You for You are an awesome God, who has forgiven us beyond reason. May You would enlarge my heart to the same proportions as Yours.

To Love Missions is To Love Worship

Missions exists because worship doesn't.

Because people bow down before wooden idols in self-love and pride, recognizing and seeing only lies and an exaggeration of self, denying the glory due the One who deserves all praise.

And because there is this lack of worship and people fail to bow down before their rightful Creator, missions exists. A call to the peoples to know and obey and love their Creator God, to bow down and give Him the praise and honor He deserves. To worship. 

And to love missions, to love the salvation of souls, to love evangelism and discipleship is to love worship and desire God's glory. 

The true heart of a missionary is that God be praised and honored above all things.

God is most honored when He is worshipped. Missions exists because He is not completely glorified among His creation. 

Yet, a lingering question still remains unanswered. How is God glorified? How is God most honored and most praised? 

To quote Piper directly, God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. 

In order for God to be glorified, we must be satisfied with who He is and what He's done for us. We must be content in His power and majesty and sovereignty. We must find fulfillment in His plan for our lives and His control over every circumstance. We must rejoice and find completion in Calvary's blood shed for our sins and delight in the resurrection of Christ. 

We must realize that God is enough. Enough to conquer our sin and give us love, joy, peace, and strength for each day. Enough to sanctify us until we are made perfect and complete, lacking in nothing, one day in heaven.

And when we find that God is enough, when God completely satisfies our desires, God is glorified and He is worshipped. 

But that leads us back in a full circle to missions.

In order for people to be satisfied in God, they have to hear of Him first. They have to grasp the enormity of the Gospel and Christ's sacrifice on the cross and His resurrection. They have to confess their sins and acknowledge Him as Lord of their life. And only then they can worship and glorify their Creator in full satisfaction in the knowledge of Him.

Missions exists because worship doesn't. Missions exists because we are not completely satisfied in God and fail to bring Him honor and praise.

Yet missions also exists because of our thirst to see God glorified and honored and praised in the world, from every tongue, tribe, and nation. 

Mission exists because our satisfaction in Christ causes us to worship. 

As a believer, how can we not desire that God be glorified? How can we not desire others to find true satisfaction in Christ? How can we not pursue and delight in the pursuit of missions, whether through praying, giving, sending, or going? 

Missions is a command. A command for us as believers to seek God's glorification that all people might come to worship God for who He is.

So prioritize missions, with a heart and passion and desire for God to be exalted above the earth. God is great, and it is our privilege to honor Him as best we can.

{Inspired by John Piper's book Let the Nations be Glad}

To Sharpen Iron: 3 Lessons Learned from Worldview

It wouldn't be stretching the truth to say that Worldview changed my life. Again.

As I think back upon this past week, I see the faces of my small group. Girls who changed the way I see God's heart. Who stood by each other through bleary-eyed mornings and tough lectures and intense discussions and six-pack-developing laughter. I see my small group leader Michelle, who imparted words of wisdom I will never forget and who sacrificed her time and energy and heart to six girls last week. I see the faces of our next generation, guys and gals who stand side-by-side, cupping the truth within our fragile hands. 

And we are not afraid. Not afraid to ask the tough questions and wrestle with issues of government and law and biblical authority. Not afraid to step onto the streets of greater Seattle to witness to the Light. Not afraid because we have been trained to testify to the Truth.

I have the greatest admiration for these young men and women, who have a desire to know God and know Truth. For when we know God, we know Truth. And Worldview enables us to know both God and Truth. And to not only know Truth, but to share it with the world and empower others with what we've seen and learned. 

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1. Richard

On Wednesday, all 160+ students headed out to Fremont and Queen Anne for evangelism, armed with tracts and God's truth. And that's where I met Richard and my eyes were opened to God's heart. 

Here was a man, stubborn in his belief that the Bible was contradictory and illogical. That the maximum IQ was when two people converge and how the Bible undermines women and promotes slavery. How the Bible was full of errors, while he himself was the supreme authority on what was right and wrong. How he believed he would simply disintegrate in death and how he believed he was a good person. 

Oh Lord, forgive him, for he did not know what he was doing. Open his eyes. Break through to his heart. Show him Yourself in all Your glory and grace and love.

It was in that moment that I saw God's heart break. I saw a glimpse of God's immense pain for this man. He was God's beloved creation that He had sacrificed His only Son for, and yet he remained hostile with his sick heart in direct defiance of everything good and right and pure. Psalm 81:13 reads, "Oh, that my people would listen to me, that Israel would walk in my ways!" That day, I felt God's heart cry out in pain. I felt God's agony when He looked upon His creation and saw a disobedient people.

Yet, at the same time, I felt utter frustration, like I was beating against a wall of stone. 

For how do you describe light to a blind man? How can you simply make someone see the box of lies he's been living in all his life?

That day, my eyes were opened and I saw the thousands upon thousands of people so blind and lost and dead in Seattle. Not just in Manila, but here in hip, coffee-drinking, tattooed Seattle. We are surrounded by the living dead. 

Yet, so often, I am so selfish. I have the antidote to the poison permeating the world's population, yet I do nothing. I sit home on couches and watch TV and go about my daily business, when people are living and dying in their sin in direct rejection of the Truth.

Oh Lord, how can I be so selfish that I would withhold Your life-saving grace to the blind?

Richard showed me God's heart. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Please pray with me for Richard. Pray that God would turn His heart around that he might see God's eternal, unchanging, unconditional love and accept Christ as Lord over his life.

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2. Devos

Christianity is a relationship, not a religion. And it is my privilege to study God's Word. 

Growing up in a Christian home, we take a lot of things for granted. Often times, I read my Bible because as a Christian, it's the "right" thing to do, but I forget that Christ bought and paid for my relationship with Him. Jesus died for me, so I can know Him and love Him. 

Similarly to romantic dates, we have the opportunity to "make a date" with Jesus. I don't mean that to be cheesy, but it's true. People who are in love with each other treasure each moment spent together and cherish each opportunity to spend time with one another. It's never a chore or a burden, but a gift. 

It's the same with Christ. He loved us so much He died for us, and how do we repay Him? By treating His Word and our relationship with Christ as a duty or another task on our to-do list? Something to skim through each morning, so we can move on with our day?

Father, forgive me for abusing this beautiful gift of having a relationship with You. Draw me ever closer to Your heart.

Do we have to pray? Do we have to read the Bible? Do we have to do devotions each morning?

No. But we get to. We get to approach the throne of the Almighty God whenever we want and open His Word to learn more out our Creator and Heavenly Father. We get to make a date with Jesus whenever, wherever. 

And so often we forget the immense privilege it is to approach our Lord Jesus through prayer and through His Word. 

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3. Government and God's Truth

Recently, I've been struggling with imposing my own Christian standards on unbelievers through law and government, regarding issues like gay marriage. 

One day at Worldview, I got to eat a meal with one of the speakers at Worldview, along with some other debaters and speechers. Mike Schutt explained it, not as imposing morals found in Scripture, but as upholding the Truth, found not only in Scripture, but in the natural order of things. Regarding the issue of legalizing gay marriage, he explained it as looking at how men and women were created physically and the natural process of childbirth and sex. Instead of only looking at Scripture to find what legislation to approve or oppose, he taught that upholding Truth was the more correct principle to apply to situations regarding religious beliefs and government.

And that really helped me reconcile the issue, because as a believer, it's important to always look first to God's Word. But realizing also that God's Word is truth and the natural order of the world supports truth helped me see that there are more reasons to endorse legislation than simply religious beliefs. And that'll help me in turn explain my political opinions to an unbelieving world.

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Worldview Academy was incredible. It revived my personal devotions and strengthened my desire for evangelism. It united me with my brothers and sisters-in-Christ, who sharpened me as iron sharpens iron. It taught me incredible truths of leadership, apologetics, and worldview and satisfied my hunger for intellectually challenging, biblical teaching. For what God has done through Worldview, I am eternally grateful. 

Worldview changed my life. And I would highly suggest you to let it change yours.

{To watch the Seattle video, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm5Y2J624_Q&list=UUvhBE_nSIkeioS6_OX5yr4Q  }

Pursuing the People Instead of the Process - Fighting Against a Task-Oriented Mentality

A lot of people ask me how I get my schoolwork done. 

I don't know. I shrug. There's no trick to it, only that I find satisfaction in the done, in the checking off the task, in the putting down the pen and shutting the laptop and unplugging the guitar.

And I find that's how I get through life. Day by day. Hour by hour. Assignment by assignment. Ticking off my little checkmarks.

Sure, I can accomplish a lot.

But I also miss a lot in the process.

One of my favorite quotes by John Steinbeck reads, "I wonder how many people I've looked at all my life and never seen."

Because that's me. Caught up in the task, so intent on pursuing the done and the finished and the completed that I never enjoy the pursuit or the process or the people. So self-absorbed that I miss the people in my life who make my tasks possible. In my selfishness, I forget that I'm not the only one on this planet. That this life is not about me, but the One who made and died for me.

And I think about the pastors I met in the Philippines. I think about their service with such open-hearted self-abandonment and how they gave up their careers and jobs and goals in life for the dirtiest, the poorest, the neediest. 

They saw people.

They put down their books and phones and jobs and money and decided to give. To serve. To love.

And that is what I'm missing. That heartfelt dedication comprised of sacrifice, of realizing the importance of others above ourselves. 

Isn't that how Christ lived? In complete self-abandonment, with a heart and mind focused on people. He had God's will in mind, yet lived in complete self-denial. In Matthew 14, Jesus withdrew from the people to a desolate place, probably to pray and spend time with His Heavenly Father. Yet, even then, a great crowd gathered when He went ashore. Instead of sticking to His to-do list, instead of doing what He set out to do, Christ abandoned His plan, had compassion on the crowd, and and healed the sick and loved the lost and held the children. 

If even Jesus, God Himself, gave up His own plans for the sake of others, how much more so are we, as His disciples, supposed to sacrifice our own agendas to love and serve those around us?

And in America, in this busy society where everything is a blur and time never stands still because there is always one more thing to be done, always one more thing on our to-do list, do we ever truly see? Do we ever take a moment off of our busy selves and our packed schedules to see the people? To appreciate those who love us and pray for the unreached and the missionaries and the church and our families and do we thank those who are never thanked or talk to those who don't have anyone to talk to?

Because more and more, the Lord's convicting me of my task-oriented heart, how I care more about getting things done than about knowing and loving and serving those around me. How I only see myself and my own goals in life rather than others. 

James 1:27 reads, “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” Not to finish reading the Bible ten times or memorize the entire Westminster Catechism or donate X amount of money. Not about checking things off a list, but about caring for people. Things, not people. And the second most important commandment is about loving our neighbors as ourselves. Again, not things, but people. 

Because the truth is sometimes tasks and to-do lists are easier to love than people. People mess up and betray our trust and friendships get messy and relationships may fail. And it takes a lot to be able to trust and accept and love, despite knowing that things may get real and it might not be comfortable or nice or pretty to love our neighbor. Things are easier to control. It's easy to sit down, finish X amount of math problems, be done with it. That's in our control. But people aren't.

And I think God understood this. He understood that it's easy for all of us to become self-absorbed in our tasks and love things because that's within our comfort zone and it's safe.

It's so easy for us to be selfish but so hard for us to be sacrificial.

Yet that's what Christ called us to do. To give up and reach out, to love the people around us as He Himself did. To be willing to sacrifice our own agenda for the sake of others. 

For if we are called to live like Christ, if our actions should follow after our Creator, then that's our calling isn't it? 

To love even when we don't feel like it. 
To love even when we have other things we want to get done. 
To put others first. 

So let's lose ourselves today in the pursuit of loving others. Let's lose ourselves today that we might abandon our self-love and encourage those around us, for we were called to be fishers of men.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39

The Modesty Rant feat. "Modest is Hottest," Protecting our Brothers, etc.

"Modest is Hottest."

I've noticed that slogan pasted over numerous Christian websites and featured in blog posts about modesty. The intention is virtuous. Promoting modesty is important. 

But being modest is not equivalent to being hot.

If being hot means showing as much skin as is socially acceptable, if being hot means skimpy bikinis and cropped tops and shorts as short as underwear, if being hot means weighing under 100 lbs with the largest bra sizes possible and the thinnest waist and thighs imaginable, being modest is not hot. 

Modesty was never about being hot. 
Modesty was never about attempting to attract men by simply being naked or suggestive in the way we dress.
Modesty may never be "hot," in the world's definition of "hot". 

But modesty can be beautiful. 

Beautiful by showing through our outfits that we have been bought with a price and the life we live on earth is not our own but is lived to the glory of our Heavenly Father. Beautiful by being considerate and thoughtful and sensitive in the way we dress, talk, and act. Beautiful by being the bride of Christ in radiance and purity.

Modesty may never be hottest, but that's okay because what really matters is not people's approval, but God's delight in us.

And He is delighted when we value our bodies as temples of the living God and dress appropriately for His glory. Not that others might value or desire our created bodies, but that people may long for the Creator and see God's fingerprint of mercy in our lives. Not to distract men with a revealing blouse or a miniskirt, but that we might point them to the truth of God's Word in the sincerity in which we live our lives according to what we believe.

A lot of people argue over dressing modestly for fear of stumbling our Christian brothers. Some articles I've read promote modesty to protect the eyes of our brothers, and other blog posts denote this idea, saying such attitudes portray men as weak and unable to control themselves at the sight of bare skin.

There are two extremes to the solution here, either living each day in fear and guilt wondering if our clothes are conservative enough or else flaunting our bodies in a "I don't care, it's their own problem" attitude. I have a couple responses.

First of all, as Christians, we know the responsibility of sin lies within each one of us. We can only blame ourselves for our sinful thoughts and actions. On the other hand, the clothes we wear may tempt others, and Christians should work together towards maturity and growth. It's not so much calling men weak, but recognizing that we all stumble, men and women alike. This attitude should carry over into the way we plan our outfits. Clothing choices differ based on personal conviction, but the mentality should be that even though sin is the responsibility of sinner, we would rather our clothing be blameless in the sight of Christ and so help our church family along than distract them over our shorts or shirt. 

Yet, on the other hand, we as daughters in Christ have the freedom to wear what we want, as long as it glorifies and honors God. We don't have to live in constant fear or guilt wondering if our neckline is too low or our skirt seam is too high. God never called us to be nuns, hiding ourselves from the world and from men. We don't have to hide who we are or constantly feel self-conscious because we are made in His image. As long as we have a mentality of God first and others second, as long as we don't seek to distract with our clothing and our hearts are right before God, we have freedom in Him to dress as we see fit.

I know that sounds contradictory. It's one of those things we all have to decide for ourselves and struggle with in our own hearts. It's a balance that differs for each person, knowing that we have freedom in Christ, yet wanting to show thoughtfulness towards the opposite gender in our apparel. 

However, I'd like to point out that heart attitude dictates clothing choices. It's not so much about our clothing, but about the heart attitude. A heart that desires attention from the world will choose clothing that glorifies the body. But a heart that puts God first and desires that He be glorified, a heart that unselfishly longs to help others grow in maturity, will find clothing that demonstrates respect for fellow believers and for God. 

Modesty is not just about clothes but about the heart attitude. A heart that's modest and humble will demonstrate the same modesty and humility in both clothing and actions.

Modesty may not ever be hot. But in God's eyes, modesty is beautiful. 

Philippines Blog

Dear Reader,

If you're interested in learning about my missions trip to the Philippines in two weeks, you can find my other blog here: 

http://missiontothephilippines369.blogspot.com/

I plan to blog daily during, before, and after my trip, so subscribe if you would like to be updated with photos, quick thoughts, or ways to pray for me and my team. I am so blessed to have this opportunity to share God's love with the community there, and I'm excited to see what God will teach me through this trip.

Thank you for your prayers!

In Christ,
Amanda

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power."
{Isaiah 40:28-29}

Understanding the Culture: A Dissertation on Selfies, #Selfie, and the Like

I feel like the new #Selfie song encompasses the self-love found in today's American society. Because life is all about getting Jason's approval, earning 100 likes on Instagram, and sleeping around. Life is all about me. 

{Lyrics can be found here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/chainsmokers/selfie.html}

This mindset carries over to our social media, filling up our newsfeeds with half-naked girls and guys, flaunting faces and eyes and lips and bodies to the glory of themselves. This mindset carries over to our shopping malls, colleges, marriage, and life in general. When we place ourselves upon a pedestal of self-love, we become our own little gods, and life becomes our personal kingdom.

But seriously. When has life ever been about us? 

Jesus commands us to consider others' needs before our own. He lived a life of complete humility and self-sacrifice, never exalting Himself or His own physical appearance. Instead, the Son of God was born in a stable to a mere carpenter. He lived in a little fishing village, dressed simply, and ate common food, because His goal was to bring glory to the Father. In fact, Isaiah said in chapter 52, "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him...Like one from whom men hid their faces he was despised and we esteemed him not." Christ's focus was heavenward. He turned the spotlight away from Himself towards the Father. 

In the same way, we as believers are simply signposts here on earth, bright spotlights, pointing skywards, directing all praise and glory and honor to our Creator. Our lives are no longer our own but have been purchased by the redeeming blood of our God and Savior Jesus Christ. And so, we live not for ourselves but for God. 

Now, this is not to say that selfies are evil or unbiblical. I'm not against selfies in moderation. But to the half-naked guy parading his abs in front of the camera, to the girl with the protruding duck lips, to all these self-obsessed selfies clogging up my Instagram feed...why? Why all this attention to your physical features day after day after day?

First of all, the lives of believers should direct attention to God, not to ourselves. We as sinful human beings are proud, and we covet attention for our own abilities and accomplishments. We fail to recognize our complete dependence on God and the extent of His grace towards us. Only when we realize the enormity of our depravity and the immensity of His goodness can we direct all glory to God. Each day, it's a struggle. A struggle to die to self and live to righteousness, so that He might be glorified through us. Carrying the cross isn't easy, but it's a battle worth fighting.

God, would You glorify Yourself through my weakness? 

Secondly, true beauty is not captured by a click of the camera. People are not adequately captured by a picture. Physical appearance doesn't last. What really matters is how we love and treat those around us through our words and actions.

I can testify to this.The closest people in my life don't necessarily look like runway models, although many of them do. Yet, they're beautiful because they have beautiful hearts that desire to please God and love others in return. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but man or a woman of God lasts forever. Physical beauty is great, but what really matters is the beauty of our hearts.

I find it sad how accurately #Selfie defines our society and even believers today. I find it sad that we spend so much time on selfies and something so fleeting and trivial. I also find it sad that instead of bringing focus and attention to our Heavenly Father, we care more about bringing attention to ourselves.

Lord, forgive us for we do not know what we're doing. 

This whole mentality of self and external appearance is killing me. Because this life isn't about us. It's not about our success or our appearance or even our happiness. It's about our Creator. The One who sent His one and only Son to die for our sins that we might be saved through Him. It's about Him. Not about us. Never about us.

Social media is a gift. And so let's use that gift, not for the exaltation of ourselves, but for the exaltation of the One who made us.